When I first moved to Houston, TX in 2002, I was many miles from my family in Winterville, NC (1285.64 miles, 19 hrs 28 minutes, to be exact).   Instead of it taking months for messengers to travel by horseback to deliver a hand-written letter from me to my parents, they were able to hear that I was doing quite well here, in my new home, via rapid modern technology.  Those technological advances in 2002 have since been improved and have made long distance relationships even more viable.  We have cell phones with cameras, computers with internet and email, text messaging, and my favorite–web cams.

     I would love to see my two-year-old nephew more often.  My brother, who hasn’t seen his niece since Christmas season last year, would love to see my daughter.  So, we have a dilemma.  They live in Raleigh, NC and we don’t.  So far, I have made sure that, no matter what, I go home for a few weeks at the end of December.  If I am able to visit or if they can visit me other times throughout the year (I visited four times in 2006), that would be bonus.  However, with the price of airline tickets skyrocketing, budgeting for a flight is more challenging these days.  We all know what gas prices look like, so driving our own or renting a car is out of the question.  There is no telling how often we will see each other now.  What do we do in the meantime?  How do we stay close when we live so far away from each other? 

     In addition to the myriad of digital camera photos we have sent via email, lengthy telephone conversations, addiction-like text messaging, and surprise gifts via postal mail, we are able to communicate via webcam.  My brother recently bought me the MEElectronics USB 2.0 Web Camera so that we could all see each other more often.  I am sharing this ingenious and inexpensive piece of technology with you in hopes that you will use similar means to keep up with your own long distance family.  More information can be found at:  http://www.meelec.com.

MEElectronics EEZcam Z-1 Webcam MEElectronics EEZcam is the ideal PC camera lets you add video to your Internet communication … Price: $24.99

     So, Friday, Sept. 26th was my birthday.  Usually, I spend the whole month pondering where I am in life and where I hope to be.  I cannot remember a time where I met my expectations, but this was the first year I can remember being at true peace about it.

     I chose not to dwell on my household income to debt (those doggone school loans) ratio, those extra post-partum pounds, or anything else that would normally keep me from focusing on so many positive things.  I thank God for his daily provisions of food, shelter, clothing, and the safety and wellness of my two most favorite people–my husband and daughter.  I thank God for my extended family and friends, sound mental health, and fresh air (hard to find in Houston, I’ll admit).   With this attitude, it was indeed a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  I encourage us all to remember the simple things in life, be grateful for them, and never take them for granted.

Politics–with good reason–is a hot topic these days. Aside from the very serious issues our country is facing, history is being made. Either a black man (by America’s standard, since he has 1 black parent) will be president or a woman will be vice president of the United States of America. I support Obama 100%–let’s get that straight–but, that’s not what this blog is about. As with each blog, I begin with a question for those who dare to answer. Are you offended that Palin is running as VP of our great country? I certainly am.
     This is not a political blog, but one that addresses family issues. So, I will not discuss her political views (although I do not agree with them). Since Palin is postured to represent the interests of women in America because she is a mom, a wife, and a career-woman, let’s examine this gun-toting soccer mom more closely to see if she truly represents the values of other wives, moms, and career women.
     The same source of the following information, first released the later-verified allegations that John Edwards had an affair:  1) As a wife, Palin is suspected of having cheated on her husband with one of his business associates, 2) As a mother, it is rumored Palin worked frantically to cover up her daughter’s pregnancy by rushing her to get married before the news came out and affected her candidacy, 3) As a career woman, Palin has been undergoing an ethics investigation for the “Troopergate” scandal where she is suspected of firing Alaska’s Public Safety Commissioner for refusing to fire her ex-brother-in-law, a state trooper, over a Palin family feud.
     Just for the record–if Obama had 5 children, one of which had special needs (that Palin seems to exploit) and deserves all the special care he can get, another who is going through the hardships associated with teenage pregnancy–I would inquire as to how he would manage presidency and family life also! I am not distracted from the issues of this campaign because of the attempted feminist-stirring political crap being tossed out there. I would love to see a woman in the Whitehouse as someone other than a first lady, but Palin is not the one.
     Why does the Republican Party insult women across America with this candidate? I haven’t even touched the surface of her limited and shady credentials. This is the person the party is saying should be the actual president if anything were to happen to McCain. As far as I can see, the only thing appealing about her is her looks. Everything else is just insulting.

     It is painfully clear to me everyday that I am getting older.  In fact, my birthday’s Friday.  If you’re viewing this site for the first time, I will be 34 years old with an 11-month-old daughter.  That’s it–just one child…and thank God for her!  While I’m certain there are perfectly normal “only-children”, my husband and I would prefer to give her a sibling.  He would love to have a boy and I don’t care the gender of the next one.

     Timing is a matter of concern.  All those women who feel pregnancy is beautiful and they just had the time of their lives–well, that wasn’t me.  I hated every minute.  I’m really not in a hurry to go through it again, physically, anyway.  But, there’s the matter of my aging body, increased health risks for me and baby, financial planning, and age spacing of our children.  These are just some of the reasons why family planning can be difficult.

     I guess I should just bite the bullet and go for it.  After all, children are a blessing…no matter the strain on my body.  And, who wouldn’t want to rush to have another one of these:

     Well, this is an easy question.  We are worried because our way of life is being altered in a negative way.  Whatever hobbies we are used to doing, whatever amount we have budgeted for groceries, wherever we are accustomed to traveling, however we are used to paying our bills–all of these things have been adjusted in a drastic way in a matter of months.

     You don’t have to be materialistic or poor for the rising price of gas and food to hit your pocketbook hard.  My brother is a Civil (Land Development) Engineer in NC.  After a harvest period that included a comfortable, yet modest, lifestyle for himself and his son, he was just laid off of his job.  The company is struggling and that trickles down to the employees.  A colleague of his, with a 3-month-old son, lost his job as well.  So what happens to their mortgages?  Unemployment benefits won’t take care of everything and won’t cover basic necessities for long.

     With the economy as it is, selling his home isn’t even really the most likely option.  Who’s buying houses these days?  Investors with cash on hand can do so, but most people are having trouble getting a bank loan.  And, if you’re in a hurry to sale, you’ll end up losing big on the backend because you still have to pay off your own loan.

     It used to be that his job opportunities would be so great that it wouldn’t matter if he lost his job.  After all, he has some strong credentials, invaluable experience, and impeccable references.  But, who’s hiring these days?  He happens to have experience developing subdivisions and since that is linked to real estate…well, you see my point.  Unfortunately, my brother is not the only person I know who has lost a job recently.  This economy affects us all.

     In my own family I take care of the finances.  My husband brings in the bacon and I fry it.  We’re kind of doing it ol’ school…but I digress.  The point I’m trying to get at is I’ve watched our savings account dwindle–and that’s just paying bills.  We live a VERY modest lifestyle.  We pretty much only spend on necessities (no cable, use fans unless over 85 degrees, cook from scratch, pack lunches), stick to a strict budget, keep all receipts, and keep our overhead low (not even caller ID on the house phone).  We still live in a small apartment and drive older, economy cars (’90 Toyota Camry, ‘00 Nissan Sentra).  Modest living, I tell you–and I’m scared.  The savings account was supposed to be for a rainy day.

     The income that we lived off comfortably has been reduced in spending power, due to the economy and the untimely Ike hurricane.  We went to the grocery store the other day and spent $100.00 on food.  We got absolutely no fresh fruits or veggies, no meats, and no food needing refrigeration.  How in the world did our bill come to that much and the kitchen is still empty?

     I’m no economist, but I am a wife and mother.  I am concerned about my family.  I see no end to this downward slope in sight.  My husband is currently seeking out more gainful employment to further utilize his credentials as a patent attorney, but my faith is not in that.  With the economy going as it is, firms may not be hiring right now.  My only comfort is in the fact that we are good stewards of our money and therefore, confident that God will see us through this period.  We continue to give tithes and offerings as God has instructed and know that we are sowing good seeds by faith.

     …In a word–no.  I went through undergrad, grad, and law schools, accumulating a hefty amount of education and debt.  So, why would I now decide to be a pseudo-professional and work from home?  It’s quite simple.  I, as well as the vast majority of wives and mothers, put my family first.     This is not to say that those women who do not work or stay at home are not putting their family first.  I am sure they are doing so in another manner.  For instance, they may have decided to provide a second full-time income for their family in order to send their children to a prestigious private school, or to live in an affluent neighborhood, or they may be single moms who work outside the home to provide their family’s basic needs.  Maybe it’s not out of necessity at all; just that mom loves her job and that makes her a happier mother.

     For those of us who do decide to work at home, we have the challenges of keeping our children occupied with learning activities, exposing them to other children their age for social interaction (I particularly enjoy the playgroups on meetup.com), disciplining wayward behaviors, preparing and feeding them nutritious meals, and keeping them safe and secure from dangers (my daughter loves electrical cords, stairways, and sharp objects ).  This is in addition to household duties such as doing laundry (seemingly endless supply of dirty clothes), cleaning and sanitizing the house, researching recipes and cooking Husband’s favorite entrees, sewing buttons on dress shirts, and keeping up with administrative matters and bill-paying.  These duties are difficult enough to manage alone.  Throw in a few business deadlines, the inability to concentrate because “twinkle, twinkle little star” is playing in the background again, an attention-seeking whiny baby, and you have a perfect recipe for possible meltdown.

     So, why choose to put your family first in this manner?  Women work outside the home all the time and rear perfectly healthy, well-mannered children.  Well, I do it because the rewards are in surmountable.  I am with my favorite client all day.  Sure, I need time to myself, but the two hours she sleeps is enough time for me.  After all, I was there when she first said, “dada”, “mama”, “bye-bye” and “hey”.  I was there when she first crawled, tried green beans, giggled at my cookie monster imitation, and shared a toy with her playgroup buddy.  Because being with her is my full-time job, I am not too tired after a long day’s work outside the home, to spend time reading and singing to, dancing with, bathing, or feeding her anytime of the day.

     I may not be able to take the biggest or most lucrative cases, but I am in a pleasant mood when Husband gets home to spend quality time with him while we eat our home-cooked meal and enjoy recapping our day.  Most importantly, I know exactly what my daughter is watching on television, if anything, her nap routine, that she ate fresh fruits and vegetables, encountered limited exposure to germs, her diaper was changed immediately, and that she was not exposed to smoking or physical punishment.

     It is not easy, but it is worth it.  Trust me—I have to remind myself of these benefits quite often.  When I think about it, I would not want it any other way.  I can always go to work full-time outside the home when my child [ren] is [are] school-age.  Every family has to decide what’s best for them.

     So, my husband and I have been together 3.5 years, married for 1.5.  We did not follow God’s standard and wait until we were married to have intercourse.  We have since allowed him into our hearts and wish to have a Christian home.  That being said (written), we intend to follow God’s standard and remain faithful, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live.

     The vows of marriage may make some squirm.  The idea that this is your spouse…the only person you will have sex with…for the rest of your lives–can be nerve-racking.  We see sex in the media usually involving infidelity, sex between unmarried people, or sex involving some type of fetish.  Those engaged in the activity are excited and thrilled to be in the situation.  On the other hand, we see routine, dutiful, boring, only-for-the-purpose-of-procreation sex, or two people too tired to have sex at all, when it comes to married couples.  What is the message here?  We’ve all heard the jokes about sex ending once you get married.  It’s no wonder people are nervous about marriage and monogamy.

     I challenge us all to practice my 4 C’s when it comes to keeping married sex exciting:

Communicate your desires and listen to your spouse’s.  Your spouse will not know how or when to please you if you do not talk about it.

Commit to selflessness and pleasing your spouse.  If you are both more focused on pleasing the other, both of you will be pleased.

Create opportunities for sex.  Put the kids to bed and spend quality time with your spouse or sneak away when they are napping or at school.  Take time off work if you have to.  Yes, it is that important.

Care about quality and quantity.  Have a lot of fulfilling sex with your spouse.  Try massage oils, surprise seductions, lingerie, candle or red lighting, different sceneries, different times of the day, role-play, fantasies over the phone, suggestive caresses throughout the day, and various positions–be creative!

     I have an 11-month-old who is already exhibiting signs of defiance when I tell her “No.”  I praise her constantly, but there is that side of her that obviously wants to test me when I instruct her not to do something she wants to do.  I try to be creative in disciplining her, such as: by distracting with a safer alternative, removing her from the situation or the situation from her, explaining the dangers even though she may not yet understand, firmly reiterating my discontent with her behavior, and placing her in a playpen for alone time and emphasis.  I do these things because I do not want to: 1. teach her that hitting someone is the way to get what you want, 2. teach her that it’s better to conform for conformity’s sake rather than understanding the logical reasoning behind doing certain behaviors, or 3. admonish her physically when I am distraught by her behavior and risk harming her physically or emotionally.

     People mainly spank their children because it is a widely acceptable cultural practice, everyone else they know do it, that’s how they were reared “and they turned out just fine”, the bible says “spare the rod, spoil the child” (Proverbs 23: 13-14), and because it’s the most convenient form of punishment.  All of these reasons come down to one thing to me–lack of creativity. 

     Yes, even referring to the bible as setting out the rule TO spank is lacking creativity.  There is nothing in the bible that dictates that you should use a paddle, switch, hand, cord, belt, or any other devices.  The bible doesn’t spell out how long a spanking should occur, who should spank (grandparents?  neighbors? teachers?), or how often one should spank.  If you take the passage literally, then you have to define what a rod is…then you have to define what “spare” means…then you have to define what “spoil” means.  In my quest for knowledge on this subject, I found scholars who translate the original passage from Hebrew to mean we must “reason with our children” and the rod is figurative for “discipline”.  (See Arms of Love Family Fellowship at aolff.com)

     I am no biblical scholar or theologian and I do not read Hebrew.  Consequently, I do not know the correct translation or interpretation of this passage.  I do, however, realize that another perspective is possible and therefore, this passage in the bible is not a clear directive for parents to spank.  And, if it is not, then I am willing to explore more creative discipline methods in order to rear an emotionally sound, physically healthy daughter to mature into a grounded woman capable of making good decisions for herself because they are the right decisions.

     Marriage/ Family is an important unit in our society–arguably the most important– because it forms the foundation for all other societal institutions.  Unfortunately, many families are torn apart by life pressures, selfishness, insecurity, loneliness, infidelity, financial instability, childhood traumas, and illness, to name a few.  As a wife and mother, I want to do all I can to hold my family together.  My family’s focus in life is to be holistically sound financially, spiritually, mentally, socially, physically, and emotionally.  During this lifelong journey, I will share lessons I learn to help others keep their families together also.   While there are many things that can rip a marriage/ family to shreds, there are some things– some glue– that can hold it together.  So, what is the GLUE that holds families together?  GLUE is a simple formula:

God first

Love each other unconditionally

Unite as one against adversities

Effectively communicate

     Readers are invited to take this daily journey with me, be open-minded, put my formula to the test, and comment frequently about marriage/ family life.