Nov 24 2008
Is Your Baby Spoiled?
Lately, I find that we’ve been asked this question often. “Oh, she’s so cute…Is she spoiled?” Honestly, I don’t know what that means…the word “spoiled”, I mean. And, the fact that so many people are inquiring, makes me really want to know if she is. I asked my husband if he understood what the question was asking. He jokingly just said–”I know. Like we’re actually going to say–Why, yes, as a matter of fact, she’s spoiled rotten.”
So what does “spoiled” refer to…other than milk that is ten days past its expiration date? Is this question referring to how she responds to situations or how we respond to them? For instance, if I say “Dasha, don’t do that!” and her reaction is to throw a tantrum, is that being spoiled? Is the simple act of me telling her not to do it, suggesting that I do not spoil her? Or is the simple act of her acting out in distress because she was told, “No” showing that she is spoiled?
Is being “spoiled” referring to the amount of things she receives, including tangible gifts and intangible attention? Is the measure of how spoiled someone is reflected in how much he or she gets or in whether he or she is satisfied with it? Perhaps it’s all subjective. What’s spoiled for one may not be for someone else.
I’m struggling with this concept…
If I let her do anything she wants to do, but none of it is harmful, in fact, it’s all reasonable, then how is that spoiling her? Some people have said to let your baby cry it out and others say you build a child’s self-esteem by attending to his or her needs immediately. It must depend on the parent and child.
After all, whether a child is spoiled is really more of a reflection on the parenting than on the child, right? Are they asking us, from our own perspective, if we feel that we are ruining our child? If so, that would be rude. I’m sure no one has quite thought this question through before asking it.
You see my problem? So, I turn to Webster’s Dictionary.com for a working definition of “spoiled”: to impair, damage, or harm the character or nature of (someone) by unwise treatment, excessive indulgence, etc.: to spoil a child by pampering him.
Well, I certainly hope people aren’t asking us if we are impairing, damaging or harming the character or nature of our child by unwise treatment! They must be asking if we are excessively indulging her…because, apparently, we don’t know any better than to do that. And, just what would each person’s definition of excessive be? I wonder.
I may not clearly understand what being “spoiled” is, but I’ll tell you what I do know–we pore out as much love, attention, affection, and praise that we can on her. We, just like every other parent, have dreams for our child, some of which include her having the best that life has to offer her. The best educational environment, the healthiest lifestyle, an impenetrable safety and protection veil, beauty beyond measure both inside and out, an attitude of compassion and forgiveness, the best financial acumen and portfolio, an impeccable work ethic and integrity, the highest social adeptness, and unshakable spiritual soundness–these are our hopes for her. In helping her to achieve these (and other things), we will indulge her–but, not excessively.
In case you’re wondering what “indulge” means: “To yield to the wishes or whims of; be lenient or permissive with: to indulge a child.“
While we do not expect her to be perfect or even close (those were our hopes, people, not expectations), but since we want the absolute best for her and must facilitate opportunities to make it so, we do our part to yield to her reasonable (as we see “reasonableness”) wishes and be lenient or permissive, when reasonable. There you have it. No, our daughter is not spoiled.
Is yours?
I would say you are on the right path. Wanting your child to be happy, as long as it does not put them in the way of any harm should be fine.
Thank you for the comments!
It helps to know that I’m not the only one getting this question and that parents overwhelmingly know it’s better to love and nurture your child than worry about spoiling him or her.
Davida
This is a great post. I don’t know that I have actually ever had anyone ask that question. But we do use that term but more in a loving fun way than in a “oh no don’t spoil that baby” way.
Someone might say how is Hunter, I reply “oh spoiled rotten” and they respond “that is the way it should be…” So, in my dealings it is used more in that context.
That said I have also heard it used in this way: “Well they have just spoiled that boy rotten and he is a brat…” So, I think context has some to with it when I have heard it used.
And yes, I spoil my precious one every chance I get but I also work hard to teach him manners, respect and that he doesn’t always get his way…
Have a great day!
I think it’s subjective. Some think that holding a newborn whenever he or she cries is spoiling them and others think that when you kid becomes demanding and stamps their feet to get their way that is spoiled.
I personally don’t think you can spoil and newborn, they need to be held.
I have, however, seen kids that are on the road to being spoiled as in the definition you posted.
I was a spoiled kid in that my mom gave my sister and I as much as she could, beyond what was needed. As far as toys and such, I mean. We were not allowed to get away with bad behavior or disrespect.
That is one form of spoiling.
The other is the kind that allows the child to do whatever he or she wants whether it is good for them or those around them or not.
I have a friend whose toddler daughter was going down that road. She was the disciplinarian, but the rest of the people in the kids life (dad, grandma, grandpa, etc) let her do what she wanted including being naked at all times, using treadmills and other adult equipment, talking back, pouting, being disrespectful, etc.
I watched her one day and was blown away by how much she did not understand boundaries or the word no. I’m the type that if I said it once, don’t push it, no is no.
The girl was going to become the spoiled rotten brat that nobody would want to be around. We had a chat, my friend and I, and she has taken steps to remedy the situation. Now the kid is a normal 3 year old. Wanting what she wants when she wants it, but having to learn that sometimes, life is disappointing.
I must say, I am shocked someone would ask if your child was spoiled! I do wonder which version of spoiled they meant…..
~Kelly
http://www.30somethingandsearching.today.com/
yes
My MIL talks like that, but with a big smile, “You’re so cute you must be spoiled rotten!” as in, “you’re so cute how could anyone deny you anything/not lavish you with love, attention and toys/etc.” Context is important. And she’s one of the biggest spoilers (or would be if she could afford it)!
Hey, I saw a truly SPOILED child over Thanksgiving!
Toni
http://www.itisnaptime.com
I didn’t know you could spoil any child under the age five! Yes, I give my baby everything she needs and then some. Afterall eventhough she will eternally be my “baby” she will not be any specific age for more than any given period of time. I am proud to spoil my eight month old, one second at a time!