Dec 03 2008
Is Divorce An Option In Your Marriage?
Will and Jada Pinkett Smith earned $85 million last year, making them #2 on Forbe’s “Hollywood’s 20 Top-Earning Couples ” list. Very impressive. Will Smith is also #10 on Barbara Walters’ “The Ten Most Fascinating People of 2008 ” list.
Will and Jada have been married for 10 years, may practice Scientology (unconfirmed), and have 2 talented children, along with 1 child from Will’s previous marriage. While all of these things are enough to spark discussion, what I find particularly interesting is Will’s view on divorce.
During his interview with Barbara, scheduled to air Thursday, December 4 (10:01-11:00 p.m., ET), on ABC, Will said again that divorce was not an option in his marriage. He feels that couples who are willing to have divorce as an option will get a divorce. He has remained firm throughout their marriage that he took “’til death do us part” literally. He also admits that marriage is hard, but you do whatever you have to do to make it work.
My husband and I say the same thing. We have had the pleasure of watching both sets of our parents remain married to the same spouse for over 30 years. We have observed good and bad times. We have admired and abhorred both positive and negative aspects of our parents’ marriages. We have conceded that, yes, marriage is hard… and we have affirmed that we are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together… ’til death do us part. (so, you’ll know who to look for if I end up missing or dead from unknown causes)
What do you think? Is there something that your spouse can do that’s so bad to you, that even if you don’t want to divorce, you see no other option? Is having a “no-divorce” policy setting yourself up to be trampled on with no recourse?
I surely hope during this interview, Will clears up the ambiguity surrounding whether he and Jada have an open marriage or a marriage with open, honest communication about their desires and feelings. That’s a can of worms blog for another day.
I would like to say that divorce is not an option but who knows what the future holds. I think there are only a very few things that would make me want to leave him. Divorce is always the last option in my mind no matter what though.
I am currently divorced. When I got married divorce was not an option for me, but after 12 years divorce was the only option available.
It is often hard to say what the future holds but I admire marriages that have lasted and survived trials and tribulations.
I know of a marriage that is currently in jeopardy because of infidelity. One party is having a hard time with forgetting and forgiving. marriage is hard and both parties have to be willing to work on it…
I admire Will and Jada, I won’t touch the Scientology aspect!
I believed marriage was forever and so I stayed in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage for 12 years, then went through 3 years of divorce. I wasn’t a person, I was a possession.
It has been nine years since I left him, and I’m still dealing with damage to me as a result, aside from what he has done and continues to do to the daughter we share. And I say this despite spending the past six years with my soulmate.
My husband and I have agreed to let one of us get killed rather than go through a divorce and, for the good of the children, who decides to go will try to make it look like an accident. But, though it is a lot of work, we are closer now than we’ve ever been and it keeps getting better. I had not realized how important it is to be married to someone who listens to what you say and cares if you’re happy.
Not every relationship is healthy. Staying together won’t change that. At the very least, BOTH parties have to be equally committed. But, if you truly love each other and want the other happy, I believe you’ll do what you need to to make it work.
I feel a marriage can surely be hard work, but divorce is seriously a very last resort, at least with us. Sometimes you can work through the problems and sometimes you can’t, I feel it takes two to do the trying when things get rough. Myself personally feel as if my husband and I can weather through the storm together. Abusive situations is different to me though.
I just think that Will and Jada are a great example of working hard to keep it together no matter what.
Staying married for 10 years is a major milestone these days.
Shouldn’t be, but it is!
While I think this is a wonderful idea, I have always been on the flip side, I don’t believe in marriage - it leads to divorce. Every time some says, Divorce isn’t an option, I get worried. I mean, technically it is. You can always leave someone, or file for divorce. Even if the other party refuses to divorce, if you live separate for 6 months you can file without their consent.
Add to it saying “I take to death do us part literally” - and that is kind of scary - are you implying you would kill your spouse if they tried to leave?
I am such a pessimist. I’m not sure there is anything my husband could do to make me actually follow through with divorce, he’s been divorced though so maybe there is something I could do to make him divorce me.
I don’t believe in divorce for me, because I am an advocate of a rigorous selection process. I feel like if you observe your spouse to be for long enough, you should get beyond their representative (the person who is always in a polite mood, doesn’t have any bodily functions, etc.) and meet their true self. If overall you honestly feel like you can live with the things you see, get married. Now being honest doesn’t mean you will try to put up with certain behavior (cheating, beating, etc.) that you know truly disturbs you, but it means seeing your person with their flaws and thinking can I really deal with this forever?
Although, if you see major red flags (things that truly disturb you), I would suggest you don’t get married (even if you truly feel they’re a good person, they may not be good for you) or you will most likely end up having divorce as your only option. Now I’ve only been married a year and a half, so I may be optimistic, but after observing numerous couples over the course of my life (some who stayed together and some who didn’t) this is what I’ve come to hold as true for me.
And I agree with Fitness Diva that it’s a little sad to think that 10 years is a long time these days. It’s practically an eternity as far as Hollywood marriages go.
I think both my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to this issue. We both saw our parents struggle with unhealthy relationships and marriages, so we try to be very honest and communicative with one another. It’s hard to say what the future might hold, a transgression today that I might feel is unforgivable, tomorrow could be something I’d be able to move past. You never know how you’ll react in a given situation until you’re actively confronted with it. We’ve been married now 13 years, and while sharing your life with someone is never “easy”, it’s certainly had its rewards.
I think there are definitely things over which a couple divorce, such as abuse or neglect of spouse or children.
Luckily, I have a great marriage and even though we’re 7 years and 3 kids into it, it still feels new in some ways. We’ve discussed this topic many times; so divorce is not an option for us.
If a couple is dedicated there’s no need.
As one who recently threatened my husband with divorce…I really didn’t mean it. But sometimes, Lord the man you gave me brings out the ughly in me. I didn’t married thinking that we would one day divorce, but I can say that I will do everything in my power to work on our marriage before it gets to that point. I joke with my husband sometimes and tell him that we should have remainded “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”. Both of us seem to have been alot nicer to each other.
On a side note, why is that the ones we care about the most hurt us the deepest? Well, let me rephrase. Why is that we treat total strangers or aquaintances better than our loved ones?
My last question is, when you choose to love someone and vice versa what can that person possibly do to make you divorce them?
I still struggle with the last two questions and probably will continue to.
Just so long as nobody says, “Till homicide do us part.”
I’ve always been a believer in marriage being ‘until death do us part’, but I was blindsided by my first husband when he left me for another woman (just before our 3rd anniversary). My second husband (hindsight is 20/20, I met and married him still on the rebound from my ex) turned out to be both verbally and physically abusive. I removed myself from that marriage just after our 2nd anniversary - and I honestly believe that had I stayed, I would not be alive today. He refused to seek counseling because he didn’t want someone telling him what he already knew (his words). Fast forward 15 years and I’ve been married to my third husband for almost 6 years - he is neither a cheater nor an abuser - so my belief in ‘until death do us part’ has been rejuvenated. So I guess my point is that sometimes divorce does happen - sometimes it’s out of our control because the other person chooses to leave without warning, and sometimes it has to happen in order to save a life.
My story isn’t much different from the one above, Stacy, except I’m not on #3 yet…hopeful but it hasn’t happened yet.
There are reasons for divorce, infidelity and abuse are two big ones. Some marriages should not be saved. Some are so toxic that they wear both partners out. Of course selection is the key. Choose a decent partner and you aren’t likely to need a divorce. Oh and be a decent partner too.
Davida,
As you know your father-n-law and I will celebrate our 29th anniversary on December 29th. Marriage is a life long experience that must be enjoyed. It may not always be equal, sometimes you may give 70% and he only gives 30% and then other times it may be the exact opposite. When I think about the highs and lows of my marriage the highs far out weigh the lows. The majority of this journey has been wonderful and I won’t change one thing.
Have there been times when I wanted to quit….Absolutely!
However, everything that has happened thus far, has grown up even closer.
The pointers that you gave several weeks ago on marriage were great, I couldn’t have said them any better.
So, enjoy the ride, enjoy each one day at a time and remember, that you can not change people places or things, only how you react to them.