Dec 07 2008
What Are Your Most Important Factors In Selecting a Mate?
Whew! December 3rd’s blog was hot! And, since: 1. I enjoyed reading all 14 responses, 2. I have only been married for less than 2 years, and 3. This blog is about holding families together, I’d like to return to that discussion. In case you’re just joining and missed the post about divorce OR you left a comment and want to read what others had to say, click here .
One of the recurring themes surrounding having a no-divorce policy in marriage involved the selection process. I know that won’t help anybody who’s already married, but let’s talk about what goes into making the right selection so that you can have a long, healthy marriage. Your experiences may help someone else.
When people find themselves on the verge of divorce or post-divorce because of infidelity or abuse, they may reflect on things that occurred before they were married. Most people I have talked to decide that there were red flags before they were married. The boyfriend was controlling and quick to anger or the girlfriend was always at the club and sneaking on the phone. It’s usually no surprise that the offending spouse later gravitated towards those negative behaviors that were present before they were married.
I didn’t get married until I was 32 and this was not out of a lack of options. I considered myself picky and refused to settle for anything other than what I wanted. I left a toxic long-term relationship that would have ended in a marriage to a cheating, lying man who was not for me. I did not get married until I believed in my heart that my relationship was based on the following things:
1. Mutual love and respect. In an earlier post I discussed public displays of affection–not everyone’s cup of tea, I know. It’s also not the only thing I mean here, but it is not excluded. I mean, show common courtesy by saying “Please” and “Thank you”. Why not serve each other dinner? Exchange massages after a hard day? Pay attention when the other talks? This is all-encompassing.
2. Openness, honesty, and trust. Although a lot of people don’t necessarily share cell phones, email accounts, and such, I felt that one’s openness to share these things displayed a desire to be trusted and trust in return. Let me put it this way–I am more likely to trust someone who has no problem with me answering his phone than someone who always has to take calls out in the hall. This is not about being a snoop. This is about being with someone who doesn’t give you a reason to want to snoop.
3. Physical attraction. You’re doggone right! This is important.
4. Like-minded proclivity towards spirituality. This is where that ol’ saying about being “equally yoked” comes in. Personally, I think this applies to more than just spirituality and religion. I think it applies to all aspects of life, but it’s most commonly used in this context, so I enter it here. In other words, an Atheist and a Catholic are probably not going to mesh well. And, for me it was definitely spirituality, not religion, per se.
5. Complement for each other. I am a little crazy high-strung. I found that it was probably best to be with someone a little more laid back. We can get along better that way. If you’re both laid back, you may not ever get anything accomplished or you may be bored (I’ve been told I keep it interesting). If you’re both high-strung, well…uh…you probably won’t get along. I needed someone who had the exact opposite of my temperament. We could keep each other balanced. If you’re very detailed, you could probably offer a lot to someone who’s not.
6. Shared goals. If you want 2 children and your spouse doesn’t want any, there’s going to be some problems. If you want to live in the suburbs of Chicago and he wants to live in the outback of Australia, there’s going to be problems. If you want to be a stay-at-home-wife and he wants you to work in corporate America…you better talk.
I believe the man selects his bride BUT it is up to the woman to decide whether to accept based on her own values. With this in mind, I believe the selection process goes both ways. We as women do not have to marry anybody just because we are asked (that’s why I cannot understand the women who give “he asked me to marry him after 2 hours” as an answer for why they married him and later found out he was a con artist or something–ok that’s another blog post). I could go on…but, I’d like to hear from you.
1. What do you think should be the most important factors in selecting a mate?
2. Do you think someone who puts heavy emphasis on the selection process is less likely to consider divorce?
Yes, the featured pic is me and my bridesmaids, 5-26-07.
If you want to know what I think is the biggest key, it’s appreciating yourself. When I think back on how I married so incorrectly the first time, it is a study in putting myself last, in letting myself be moved by pity/guilt, it’s a study in letting myself be treated poorly. All of that was a side effect of poor self-esteem, at least where it came to personal relationships.
It’s important to realize that *I* did not realize that I had poor self-esteem because I only had it in certain respects. I KNEW I was smart and capable and efficient. I was comfortable with myself in the work environment and had the understanding of self-worth and self-confidence that enabled me to stand up for the right things at work.
However, I considered myself boring and unremarkable, unlikable and loaded with personality flaws. I’d been conditioned to put myself last and sacrifice myself for the good of others. To an extent, that last is not entirely bad and a necessary element to being a parent; however, it is not a good basis to form an HEALTHY relationship with another person. I am convinced that there is a certain sort of person who sniffs that sort of thing out like a pro.
This attitude not only allowed me to settle for someone I already knew was unsuitable to me, but also someone who had shown a number of signs that he would be abusive, the kind of behavior I absolutely (in principle) would never put up with - but did.
I was very fortunate that I did have an anchor in my work self-worth, that I had exceptional friends who insisted on bolstering my other feelings of self-worth, that having a child allowed me to better appreciate my strengths and also to note what a destructive example I had provided.
As horrific as the divorce and aftermath was for me, it left me a stronger person with a much better sense of self-worth than I’d ever had.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your lists. I’m just saying that, without a sense of self-worth, it’s too easy to rationalize your choices even with this list AND, if you have self-worth, the people who you will be willing to spend time with will almost automatically end up meeting your criteria. Why? Because they are largely about respecting each other and people with self-worth don’t waste their time with people that don’t treat them with respect.
OK, that’s my $0.02. I hope you got your money’s worth
1. The only thing I would add to the 6 points you have is to be realistic. It seems a few of the earlier posts alluded to this, by saying you can’t just focus on love. I think too many people think that love will somehow magically work things out and completely ignore all the “red flags” that they know will wear on them in the long run. It may be due to self-esteem issues as mentioned earlier or just plain naivety, but if you go into a marriage thinking that he or she will stop cheating/beating after the ceremony, you will most likely be in for a rude awakening.
2. The example that comes to mind when thinking about the selection process of getting married is the process of buying a house, because it’s decision that we’d have to live with daily and also like marriage it has serious consequences if we make a poor decision. How many of us would buy a house just because someone offered to sell it to us without doing any further investigation? Would we be like sure, I’ll pay or take out a $100K-$500K loan, even though I have no idea of the roof is about to cave in at any second? Of course we wouldn’t. So I guess we should consider marriage as the house that we’re planning on staying in forever (not until we get tired of it or find a younger model). We should do a lot of investigation to make sure it is the real deal and doesn’t have any major issues that will come back to haunt us later.
I think all of your items on that list are important. Knowing who you are before getting married is important. I know a lot of women who wanted to be married so badly they married the first person to ask.
I am also picky and refuse to settle. I come from a divorced family, so I think I am extra sensitive to the whole idea of not wanting to go through it myself.
I think you truly have to know who you are before you can successfully be in a relationship. I am sure there are many that have found out who they were along the way. I also know many who still don’t know who they are and are married, but simply being married and being happily married are two different things.
I also think a key factor is being real with that person before you are married. I know many people act a certain way and then WHAM, that ring is on and they change the rules.
I had one friend who never fought with her fiance. Never argued, never spoke up if she didn’t like something. They were married a few months when she did speak up and they had a blow out. She couldn’t believe how he acted.
I told her, well, on one hand he overreacted, but on the other hand, if you have always been agreeable and never challenged him, of course 5 years later when you do it the first time it’s going to throw him. And never having had a fight, you don’t know HOW HE fights.
I don’t get why people act differently before marriage….
~Kelly
http://www.30somethingandsearching.today.com/