What am I thinking about today?  Hmmmm…. let’s see…

1.   Today.com is making some changes because Entrecard.com made some changes and all this means, I have to make some changes…. So, after April 7th, I will be removing the Entrecard widget from this site.  I’ve really enjoyed the traffic from Entrecard.com, but I’d like to maintain my blog here on Today.com– therein lays the conflict.  I am hoping my regular visiting-bloggers will exchange links with me (if we haven’t already) so that we can still continue to visit and support each other’s blogs.

2.  Instead of cramming my love for movies into a few posts per month on this blog, I’ve started another blog that is exclusively dedicated to my movie reviews:  Movie Connoisseur.

3.  I’d like to thank Jodapoet for sending Sony’s jazz CD to me in the mail.  She included a beautiful magnet in the package just because she’s sweet like that.  Visit her blog for daily-living tips and inspiration.  Click on Sony Holland’s link if you love smooth jazz and would like to learn more about this artist.

4.  My boy, Adam Lambert, is JAMMING on American Idol!  He gives a rock-solid performance every week.  Click here to see him perform “The Track Of My Tears” by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles.  I wish I could sign him up on my nonexistent record label today… heck, he makes me want to start a record label.  Of course, I think most of the contestants left are extremely talented.  It’s time for Megan Joy to go though… sorry.

5.  Lastly– I really, really, REALLY need a vacation.  If I don’t plan one soon, I might just leave one day and never come back.  I’ll keep you posted…

For more Random Tuesday Thoughts, visit the UnMom:

Rocket Scientist asked:  “What steps would you recommend to make sure your daughter has the best opportunities in life, not just in career, but in finding healthy relationships with friends and potential lovers? What traits and characteristics do you think are important for you to foster and, in your opinion, is it different than what you would do for a son?”

Now for Danny’s 2¢…

 “Should Dads Treat Their Sons and Daughters the Same?

 The basic job for parents is to prepare their child(ren) for the world.  The task seems easy, but in practice can be a little difficult, especially if the parent hasn’t figured out some of the basics for themselves.  Overall, the task is the same for all of your children, no matter their gender, personality, etc.  Although, since life will present unique obstacles for the differences our children have, we must also prepare them for those as well.

 In the beginning, the gender differences we teach our children are the practical ones.  We have to show the boys how to aim properly at the toilet so they can have the proper etiquette we talked about the other day.  We have to teach the little girls that you can’t do certain things in skirts/dresses, and so on.  When the child hits the puberty range, we begin to shift to more of the role of mentors, and we’re required to give a lot more details on what it is to be a man or woman. 

 The common trend I’ve noticed is that parents seem to treat their children of the opposite sex a little softer than they treat the children of the same sex.  Fathers seem to give a little tougher love to the boys than they do the girls, and mothers seem to baby their boys a little more than they do the girls.  It may be the replica of the spouse that makes the parent a little softer on the child of the opposite sex, but there is often a slight difference.  This being the case, we should begin to understand why it is crucial to have both parents involved with the child, so that together they are neither too tough nor too soft on the child.

 If you’ve read the last few blogs, then you know I like to create lists.  So the following is my list of the things I believe parents should do to ensure they raise noble children.

 1. Be an Example

I believe the biggest task I have as a father is trying to be the best example I can to my children.  My example serves as the best advice I can give my children, because actions speak MUCH louder than words.  My example gives my son (who is imaginary for this example) a framework on what being a man looks like and my daughter (who is currently walking in and out of the room) a model for a potential husband. 

 The “do what I say, not as I do” method, can be quite confusing to children.  I remember when I was younger, my father used to go in and out of his smoking phases, but always told me how bad cigarettes where.  I remember being a little perplexed how he could continually say they were so bad, but yet he smoked them.  It took a later lesson from my mother when I was around 14 to get the point (she let me choke on one my dad left out).

A big concern of mine today is that so many men are not present in the house these days, especially in the black community.  The last I heard 70% of black families were being raised by a single moms.  Where will young men get guidance from, and who will the young women look to for potential spouses if almost three quarters of the men have no example to look to?  This topic could use its own blog, if not its own book, but with statistics like those, it’s definitely a problem that needs addressing.

2. Instill Positive Values

I remember when my sister graduated college, as the moderator acknowledged all the parents, he made the comment that what was taught by them (the parents) would go much further than what was taught by the university.  This is something every parent should take to heart.  My wife and I practice in the legal field, and we’ve all heard the lawyer jokes, but we can both assure you that we didn’t learn how to be the scum of the earth in law school.  Those who give lawyers (and every other profession) a bad name are likely the ones who got a skewed set of values from their parents. 

Most people’s values revolve around their religious beliefs.  Some people pull their values from the Bible, the Quran, the Torah, all or none of the above.  Whatever the source of your beliefs, be sure to have a strong enough foundation in it yourself, to answer the inevitable questions from your children on why you’ve chosen those values.  “That’s just the way we do things” is not a very strong answer if you want your children to practice what you’ve preached.  So if you’ve never actually opened a bible outside of the three or four Sundays you’ve made it to church that month (or year), don’t be surprised when your children don’t follow what’s in it.

The best way to instill good values and make sure your children actually follow them is to do as point one mentioned and practice them yourself.  This way you can be an example of your values in action.

3. Nurture the Strengths Positively

I’ve noticed my daughter since she was in the womb has had an admiration of music.  When my wife was pregnant, my daughter used to kick constantly during the song selections in church and now after every service she runs to the piano player to get a chance to peck at the keys.  Now some may see this as a grand opportunity, and involve her in every music competition under the sun as soon as she’s eligible and make a star out of her as soon as possible. 

I believe its best to encourage her talent without taking it overboard, because in the end, I still want her to enjoy what she does.  So while I will help her get all the help she needs to develop her skills in this area, I will not push her so hard that she loathes the very thing she enjoyed since before she was born.

4. Explain any Unique Challenges Life Is Likely to Present

We should love all our children the same, but we will most likely have to work harder with some in certain areas.  A first born will get a different lesson than the youngest child when it comes to how to treat siblings.  The blind child, will most likely get much more attention than all the able-body children in the family because their needs are special.  Whatever the uniqueness is of the child, you need to explain to them the strengths and weaknesses they need to consider when taking this unique feature to the rest of world.

For example, I’m the proud father of a wonderful little girl who is of African descent.  Of course, I’m going to teach her how to be a respectable young lady and will show her how to be the best at anything she does.  In addition to that, I will forewarn her of the hurdles she may face due to some sexist and racist practices in our society.  I will not present these hurdles as a reason to give up on any dreams, but just make sure she’s aware that they exist and if ever faced with one, show her how to overcome it.

5. Be Fair Amongst All Your Children

Although, you may need to tailor your children’s lessons in life to their circumstances, there can’t be too big a distinction between the children, because it may come off as not being loved the same.  Children pick up on this extremely fast and will internalize it, so that it later manifests in some sort of abnormal behavior.  This is a major pitfall every parent must avoid, because doing so can scar your children for life.

6. Be Open in Your Communication

I don’t know how many of the rest of you got (or currently give) the “because I said so” rule, but the vagueness of the rule prevents much of a lesson from taking place when it’s given.  I understand that parents don’t always have the chance to explain everything they do, but I think that it is to the parent’s benefit to explain as much as they can, when they can.  This will keep the child from wondering why you asked them to do a certain thing and may keep you from having to tell them the same thing when the situation arises again.

7. Be Sure to Do Everything In Love

Of all the rules, this is the one that underlies all of the rest.  I know children can frustrate you, make you angry, make you sad, make you all sort of other emotions, but they are still your children.  So it is of the upmost importance to show them, no matter what you say or do to them, you are doing it in love.  A child, who knows they are loved, will better handle the challenges that life throws at them, because they know they have someone in their corner no matter what.  I like to thank my parents, for always making that clear.  I will surely pass it on to their grandchildren.

With that being said, it’s been wonderful giving my 2 cents these last 2 weeks and I’ll let Davida take back the reins with regards to the content of the blog, until she summons me to chime in again.”

This was a tough question, Stephanie.  I’m glad it was for Danny and not me.  I’d probably still be thinking and writing about it.

Thanks, Danny, for giving us your 2¢ for the past 2 weeks!!!  Thanks to everyone who participated!!!

My husband, Danny, is still answering questions from those who wanted answers from a man’s perspective.  This is his next to last question for “Danny’s 2 Cents” Week…

“When it comes to noticing women, it appears as if some men grew up in the jungle and the only way they know how to get attention is to howl, scream and use a number of untactful gestures.  A lot of these points are related to the post on men remaining faithful, so I’ll try not to be repetitive.  I’ll touch on the points that were brought out by Fitness Diva’s question.”

The Fitness Diva asked:  “Why do some men feel the need to act out like complete and total fools anytime a woman walks by? …“Heeeeeyyyyyyy, BABY!” “Daaaayyyum, your___ looks GOOD!” “Can I have some a dat?” “kisssssssss” (the noise)
Or, they HAVE to stop what they’re doing and stare …as if they’ve NEVER seen a woman before in their lifetime. Is this just a big city phenomenon? …Any insight into this over the top, juvenile behavior?”

“Why Do Some Men Act So Juvenile Around Women?

Not All Men Are in Touch With Their Higher Self

The first thing to note is that men are very visual.  When we see skin or parts giggling on a woman it sends a signal to the primal part of our brain that makes us want to draw near.  This is the point where a man has to use his higher self and behave like a man, not an animal.  Animals act on instinct and don’t have the intellect to keep from howling at or running over to another animal, but we as humans do. 

 As a truly mature man, we can allow our higher self to have control during these situations.  Although we still may get the same signals to draw near, we can allow our higher self to keep us from howling, wagging our tails, doing flips, or running over for a feel.  Some may call their higher self their intellect, some may call it their spirit, I’d like to think of it as a little of both.

 Your higher self develops with maturity, not necessarily with age as we’ll talk about shortly.  Like a muscle, this part of a man needs to be exercised regularly to be stronger than the urge to act like an animal.

 Lack of Vocabulary

I think many men who act completely foolish, could get their point across in a much more effective way if instead of hooping and hollering they took the time to speak intelligently about what’s on their mind.  Instead of a profanity being screamed out, I think they would be better received (at least by a respectable diva) if they simply spoke like gentlemen.  Once again, this act shows that he’s truly a man, not a juvenile or an animal.

 Age is Really Nothing but a Number

Many women get the idea that men would be better with age, but unfortunately, this is not always the case.  There are plenty of old men, who act just as foolish as the young men when they see an attractive woman.  This is most likely due to the fact that they have never taken the time to exercise any self control as mentioned in the first point, and their basic primal responses have remained in charge their entire lives.

 Culture of the Area

A man’s culture has a great deal to do with how he behaves.  As Fitness Diva mentioned, the men in the south don’t act the same as the men in New York City do.  Well this is because the culture in the south is very relaxed and conservative, compared to the culture of those in the northeast.  The south is also a warm and friendly environment (yes I do say “hello” constantly to people I don’t know), thus doing something that may be offensive will happen less frequently than a place where the environment is not so friendly and the people don’t care what you think anyway.”

Signe asked:  “Why can men not figure out how to put a new roll of TP on when the old one’s run out?… Is it laziness or one of those “oh, she’ll do it” kind of things?”

The Mother asked:  “I want to know why my boys never can hit the john… Why do they have those handy aimer thingies if they aren’t going to use them?”

Great Questions!  Now for “DANNY’S 2 ¢“…

“Men’s Toilet Etiquette

 This is one of the biggest battles between the sexes ever since we decided to use a toilet instead of going out in the open.  It’s actually not much of a battle, since men are usually on the defensive when it comes to this subject matter.  Women always want to know why guys don’t put the seat back down, cant seem to get all of their business in the toilet, or replenish an empty roll of toilet paper?  Well since I’m guilty of at least one of these offenses pretty regularly, I know a little more about this topic than murses.  Hopefully this post can enlighten someone and give some possible solutions to these common toilet etiquette problems.

Why Don’t You Put the Toilet Seat Back Down?

This offense definitely gets a heated reaction, since the consequences for those who follow is the steepest.  Most of us don’t look at the toilet as the ideal place to bathe, so the unexpected splash to the backside is sure to invoke at least one strong emotion, including surprise, anger, disgust, horror, or all of the above.  The good news is of the three most common offenses, this is the one that is the easiest to correct. Since this is an action required every time we use a toilet, it is a lot easier to add it to the bathroom ritual and make it a habit.

Why Can’t You Seem to Get it All in the Toilet?

Women seem to have the hardest time figuring out why men have such difficulties with our aim. Since a woman’s routine consists of no aiming, I can understand why you may have a difficult time understanding this problem.  Typically these nasty spills aren’t necessarily a result of bad aim, but a myriad of other factors.

The biggest factor is the spray factor.  Since the stream doesn’t always come out in a perfectly straight line, it becomes a little more difficult to get it all in the toilet.  Just think about it like aiming the water coming out of your shower head.  If it is set to a single stream then it’s easy to keep it all in one place.  If it’s set on spray, the task of keeping it all together gets a little trickier.  Since men don’t necessarily have control over the spray factor there is no real solution besides trying to get as much of it in the toilet as he can and cleaning up whatever mess that is caused afterwards.

Another problem is the splash problem.  Since most toilets are a couple of feet lower than the average man’s “aimer,” it is not uncommon to have some toilet water splash around the edges of the toilet from the force of the urine hitting the water.  This doesn’t usually cause as big a mess as the spray factor, but can leave some unsightly wet puddles on the brim of the toilet. I guess in theory, a man could try to keep from spraying so forcefully, but practically it is just easier to clean up whatever mess is made than trying to urinate softly.

The best solution to both of these common problems is to form a habit of taking a little piece of tissue and wiping the brim of the toilet every time you use it.  If it’s a really bad episode, he may need to wipe the floor and the wall, but typically the brim is the one that catches things the most.  Doing so will make whoever’s cleaning the bathroom happy and could possibly help with the next common problem.

Why Can’t You Ever Seem to Replace the Toilet Paper?

I think all of us have had a bad experience with noticing the roll was empty after we had already begun our business on the toilet.  It’s never a good feeling, especially if a replacement roll is not close by.  Of course, since women use toilet paper more often, they would run into this dilemma much more often than men.

Let’s look at the numbers.  Women use toilet paper every time they use the restroom, which can be several times in a day.  Men only require toilet paper when they need to sit on the throne, which is more like once a day.  So women will notice the status of the roll every time she uses the restroom, whereas a man will only notice it roughly once a day.  That being said it’s easy to understand why women complain about the roll being empty the most, because they use it the most.

The best solution for this problem is for the man to clean the brim of the toilet every time he uses the restroom as mentioned above.  If a man gets in a habit of cleaning the brim of the toilet, then he will notice the status of the roll every time he uses the restroom as well.  Thus he will be more likely to replace the roll, than if he never touches the roll unless his backside is touching the pot.”

Thank you to everyone who submitted questions for my husband during “Danny’s 2 Cents Week“.  He has been sweet enough to work full-time, complete other projects, and still spend time writing on my blog (which means he’s staying up late and getting up early).  Thanks, Sweetie!  He is backlogged on questions, but don’t worry–yours will be answered AND we will extend his week since there still appears to be interest.  So, continue to ask any questions you want a male perspective on.  Remember, no topic is off limits.

RE from Bad Gals Radio had the following question:

“Danny, can you tell us what’s up with this Pushing Men into Pink Clothes thing? and also why do men carry Murses?“

For those of you who don’t know what she’s talking about, read here to learn about the newest trend for men to ditch the briefcase and carry a man purse.

Julia from Everyday Mom Ideas had this to say:

“When I was dating my husband he was very metrosexual. There was nothing to girly that he wouldnt do with me, except for wearing a dress He was always comfortable with that kind of stuff… he would have me braid his hair or we would do masks together. He even let me paint his toenails(because he could put socks on them)…Fast forward six years and two kids later, and all that has changed… we still have a great relationship…I was just wondering why you think he has stopped being so comfortable with doing some girly stuff with me after six years of marriage. He’s turned into a man’s man. I just want to know what might have caused this.“

Without further delay, I give you the man of the week…

“Let me start by saying that I am by no means a fashion guru.  By the time I catch on to the latest trend, it’s usually no longer trendy.  My wonderful wife holds down the area of fashion in our household and if you see a picture of me on the blog with something really nice on, she probably picked it out.  I say that to let everyone know the subject matter of this post is a limited area for me, but since the question was raised, here’s my 2 cents on it.

The metrosexual movement seems to have brought a new angle to the old question on what attire is appropriate for each gender?  Once upon a time, when it came to dressing up, men wore the pants and only women wore pink and carried purses.  Today we see plenty of women pants suits, and men wear pink shirts, hats, shoes, ties, probably a number of other apparel that I have yet to catch on to, and a select few carry “murses.”

The 80s raised a lot of questions on fashion.  This was the era of Mohawks, tight pants (for men and women), big hair, big earrings, and a number of other things I may have missed since I was either too young or fashionably blind to notice.  One trend that was brought to the forefront was questioning the appropriateness of men wearing earrings.  Many of the earlier men who wore them were either deemed rebels or questionable with regards to their sexual orientation.  The test of time has proved them to be trendsetters because it is very common to see men with earrings these days (I even have my ears pierced). 

The common theme with the earring trend and some of the current metrosexual trends is the boldness it takes to do something that is different than the norm.  I used to wonder why Prince was so popular amongst women, when he did so many questionable things.  I mean, who would want a 5′2″ man who wears high heals, halter tops, leather suits, pants with no backs to them, and hair styles better than most women?  Well from what I’ve heard of his concerts, A LOT of women.  I’ve now come to realize that women are attracted to the bold confidence of this little man, questionable fashion and all.

The interesting thing with these trends is that when the rest of the male population notices the positive attention these bold individuals, who push the limit on gender appropriateness, get from the opposite sex, they jump on the bandwagon.  If you didn’t already know, guys will do almost anything to hear that they’re cool from someone of the opposite sex.  If he has to wear pink and carry a “murse,” then that’s what he’ll do. 

So to answer RE’s question about the push for men to wear pink, it’s because some men have caught on that this will actually attract women these days, as opposed to causing them to run as they would have in the past.  With regards to the “murse,” the jury’s still out on that one, since as far as I know it has yet to make it out of the gay and metrosexual community.

Women don’t seem to get as much flack for wearing pants suits as a man who wear pink (that is, unless she’s Hillary Clinton on David Letterman).  It may be because we as a society don’t worry as much about women who cross the gender line as we do men.  In fact it seems to be encouraged, because we see plenty of portrayals in the media of women with women, but are less likely to see the flipside. 

Many of the people who participate in these trends are the people who like to be seen.  Typically it’s the single, still-trying-to-mingle crowd.  Usually those who are married and/or have children don’t participate in these trends, because being married takes away the need to be noticed by the opposite sex and being a parent eliminates the want to have to explain any questionable fashion to the kids. 

So Julia–I would guess that your husband may not be as quick to do all the girly things he did before, because he has an extra four eyes on him.  Something about your kids looking up to you holds dear to many men’s hearts and the possibility of going from the greatest dad to the dad who does questionable things may make him think twice about doing some of those metrosexual things he did before.”

We are still having “Danny’s 2 ¢ Week“, where my husband gives readers a candid male perspective for all their questions.  During the discussion on men being faithful, my brother, BJ, had this to say:

“…I am a firm believer that an individual can do all of the right things in a relationship and it still not work…if the two were never compatible from the start. So… we as men and women FIRST make wise decisions on who we choose to marry/date and that we marry those we truly are compatible with. That way, we will not be in a position where we need a miracle of turning water into wine daily in our relationships. I suggest a blog on compatibility.”

Well, what the readers want from Danny, he will give.  If you need help with your selection process, read what Danny has to say.  You’re up, Danny…

 ”Selection Process of Picking a Spouse

 Well, the other day we had a wonderful discussion on things men should do to avoid cheating and we touched upon the selection process of finding a spouse.  I am a HUGE advocate of a rigorous selection process when it comes to picking a spouse.  I think the divorce rate would drop if people would put a little more effort in this process. 

What would you do if you were picking a house that you planned on staying in until you died?  Would you buy it after only looking at the outside?  Of course, you wouldn’t.  You’d walk through it several times, check out all the rooms, lights, fixtures, have others come to inspect it, etc.  We usually do this much for a house we’ll likely leave in several years, so I’m sure we’d do even more if we were picking our final house. 

So why do some of us not take the same rule of thought to the selection process when choosing a spouse?  It should be just as rigorous, if not more, than the process we use for selecting a house.  We should ensure our spouse is a solid match for us, and the marriage we build together, like the house can weather the storms of life.

I’ve heard many women wonder what men are looking for in a spouse.  Although I can’t speak for all men, I believe that there are several things you should consider.  The list should probably be longer, but for reading purposes, I’ve condensed it down to seven points. The following is my list of things to look for when selecting a spouse:

1)      Find Out Who They REALLY Are

Just like the house scenario mentioned above, the only way you can know if you’re getting a good deal with someone is if you inspect them thoroughly to find out who they REALLY are.  Some people put on a good front and may look fine on the outside, but have lot of internal issues.  When the front comes down and you finally meet the REAL person, you may not like them.  So it’s best to meet THAT person before you get married to them.

The easiest way to find out who a person REALLY is, is to spend lots of quality time with that person.  Putting on a front is a bit tasking, so the REAL person will eventually show up when you spend enough time around them.  Now this process may take a while, and this why I don’t advise anyone to rush into a marriage.  Even if you’re sure this person is “The One,” if you plan on being married until you die, then what’s the issue with waiting a little while longer?

2)      Should be Someone You Like

I have been quite surprised at the number of people I’ve known, who were in relationships with people they didn’t like.  I was always of the opinion that like comes before love.  So if you claimed to love a person, they you should like them as well because that should have come first.  Apparently, that’s not always the case.

Some people force themselves to love someone who they don’t like because they feel the overall person is good.  Well, I’m here to say that just because your potential spouse may be a good person doesn’t mean they are the person for you. 

3)      Values Should Be Similar

When you make the decision to get married, you are saying you are willing to become one unit.  This is difficult to do if you have completely different fundamental ideas.  Some pairs just won’t work well together. The feminist will likely clash with the chauvinist, the atheist will likely have a problem with the devout Christian, etc. 

Be sure to pick someone who has similar values, so you won’t become deeply unsettled on the major issues (i.e. religion, ideas on childrearing).  The smaller, less significant issues (i.e. taste in fashion) may vary, but you should be on one accord with regards to the issues which move you at your core.

4)      Life Plans Should Be Similar

Although it was a nice little show, I don’t believe Green Acres is a realistic picture.  If one person is interested in big city living and the other wants to live on a farm, there will eventually be a major conflict because your visions of life don’t align at all.  I would suggest you discuss thoroughly your vision of life to your potential spouse and see if they have any resemblance.  If she wants a rock star and you’re a librarian who can’t sing, then you may need to keep looking.

5)      Someone You Can Be Open and Honest With

I’ve been told that the friendship in the marriage is the most important part because the other parts (romance, looks, sex) can blow with the wind.  Being able to be open and honest with your potential spouse is the first step in laying a solid foundation for what should be your deepest friendship.

This point ties into the first one, but from the opposite vantage point.  You should have someone you don’t mind being yourself around.  If you have to continually do things outside your comfort zone to impress a person, then they’re probably not the one for you.  Eventually putting on the show will get exhausting and you will have to be yourself.  If that isn’t enough for that person then let them go. 

6)      Able to Get Along With Their Families

This is a point that many people overlook, but it is important, nonetheless.  You have to remember that when you marry your spouse, you marry their family also.  So if you don’t like your potential in-laws, then you may need to think twice about marrying that person, because you will inherit that family (and all their problems) with them.

7)      Should Be a Compliment

This is one of the most profound points that I think many people look over.  I already mentioned that your marriage should work together as one unit.  To do so, you and your potential spouse should fit well together.  One’s strengths help the others weakness, so together the unit is stronger than the individual parts and over time you can help one another grow.” 

To read my previous post on selecting a mate, click here: “What Are Your Most Important Factors In Selecting A Mate?“.

Some readers have asked questions that they’d like to have answered from a man’s perspective.  That’s fabulous, since this is “Danny’s 2 ¢ Week“.  He is up for the challenge of answering all of your questions on any topic imaginable.

Frugal Angel Psychic, had this to say:

“The older I get and the more I experiences I have, the more I am really, really seeing that men need older role models that they can respect and who they can go to. I see this especially when it comes to parenting their own children. I’d love to see a post written about male role models, parenting, and how to seek out role models if their aren’t many within ones family.”

So, today, Danny will discuss if and why men need to have role models and how to find a positive one.

This is a great and LOADED topic.  Danny’s going to have his hands full.  Take it away, Sweetie…

“Well, I believe we all need role models because we progress as a society by standing on the shoulders of those who’ve gone before us.  The problem with role models is that those who aren’t of divine origin can disappoint because you will eventually see their flaws.  To get around this problem, you will most likely need to have more than one role model, and strategically pick them for your different areas of life. 

Finding the right role model will depend on what area of your life you are working on.  You may find a number of solid role models for more of the common issues (i.e. marriage, parenting, education) in your family, church, or in your close group of friends.  However, if you’re looking for guidance in a more specialized area (i.e. trying to build that $1 million dollar business), Uncle Joe the plumber might not be the best fit.  

If you do have someone in your close circle that is excelling in an area you are interested in, then it should be easy to get access to them and find the secret to their success.  If you don’t, the following things are what I’d look for in a role model candidate:

1)      They Should be Further Along Than You in That Area of Life

I would think this should be common sense, but when picking someone to take advice from, the first thing you should look at is if they are doing well in that area.  My uncle who has been married for 40 years gets a little more of my attention with regards to staying married, then my cousin who can’t keep a girlfriend for more than a few months at time. 

The point is the role model candidate should already have the results that you’re seeking.  You should be able to see that they know what they are talking about because they have the results to prove it.  So if you see someone with very respectable and well-behaved children, then they qualify for a few questions on rearing children.  People with unruly children, who terrorize the neighborhood, beat up their school teachers, and fail every class, including recess, should probably keep their child rearing advice to themselves.

2)      Their Values Should Line Up with Yours

Before you take the advice given to you by the role model candidate, you should be sure that it doesn’t conflict with any fundamental beliefs you have.  The reason is that if you on a fundamental level, don’t agree with what the person is prescribing, you will be faced with a decision that can cause major internal conflicts.  I’m sure Bernard Madoff could show me how to make a lot of money, but I may end up on the back of a milk carton if I use his methods on attaining my fortune. 

3)      Should be Accessible to You for Questioning

The last thing you should be mindful of in your role model candidate is that they are able to answer your specific questions.  The key to a role model is to determine, down to the smallest details, why they are successful at what they do.  Usually the difference between success and failure in most areas of life are very tiny.  Those who have already succeeded in an area have critical details that make a huge difference when trying to do well at something. 

For instance, many of us have heard that communication is the key to marriage, but in practice what does that communication look like?  A seasoned married person could explain the details on how communication works on a daily basis.  They could explain the pitfalls that lay ahead that may tempt you to cease communication when it is most critical to work on it.  After taking careful notes on such a topic, you would be better equipped to handle a lot more of life’s little twists.”

Danny gets asked all the time about how to remain faithful in a relationship.  You know… being with the same woman… day in, day out… Some men feel fidelity goes against our natural instincts and is therefore, impossible.  Some women feel all men are cheaters and there’s no need to trust that one will be faithful.  So, can men really be faithful in a relationship?

Danny believes it’s possible.  Quite frankly, Danny’s answer to this question is one of the reasons I wanted to marry him… other than the fact that he’s smart, hansome, sweet…  Anywho…

For the first installment of “Danny’s 2¢ Week”, he would like to address… (passing the mic)

“Well the idea of monogamy is difficult for many men to grasp.  I agree that looking at it from a natural point of view, may make you believe we are not supposed to be with one person.  I mean, most of the other mammal species don’t settle down with just one mate, so why should we?  On the flip side, we are supposedly the most intelligent species on the planet, so shouldn’t we hold ourselves to a higher standard than the dog who chases his own tail?  Well, although monogamy may not be a natural instinct (hey, neither is lifting weights, but we’ll learn to do that), there are some things we can do to help in our quest to remain faithful.   The following is my 5 manly tips on staying faithful.

5 Manly Points On Staying Faithful:

1.      Check Your Ego

From what I’ve observed most men cheating problems derive from their desire to feed their egos.  Usually when women cheat, it’s because there is a lack somewhere in her relationship.  So when a husband or significant other cheats, many women get self- conscious because they are thinking of cheating from a woman’s point of view.  If you look at it from a man’s point of view, you’ll realize it doesn’t have much to do with the woman but more to do with his desire to have his ego stroked by another woman showing and telling him he’s “The Man.” 

2.      Avoid Dangerous Situations

Both women and men can identify flirting from someone of the opposite sex.  If you’re single, then it’s no big deal.  However, if you’re married, you should think of yourself as skating on thin ice with hot blades, because the longer you do it the more likely you are to fall in, figuratively and literally.  I don’t know of many men who will actually say that they want to be an unfaithful husband or significant other (even the unfaithful ones), but many are because they don’t avoid the dangerous situations. 

The usual root of this problem goes back to the ego issue mentioned above.  Attention from a new woman is a huge ego booster for most men and many find it difficult to say no to the woman’s attention and to their own egos.  The best thing to do is not to leave any opening, because even the “innocent” flirting can grow into something a lot less “innocent” over time.

3.      Keep Your Wife Close By

An easy way to avoid the dangerous situations, mentioned above, is to keep your wife or significant other close by as much as possible.  Most men, who are in their right minds, will not flirt or even look at another woman in front of their wives or significant others.  So a man, who wants and needs a little motivation to stay on the straight and narrow path (especially when he knows he’s going to a tempting environment), should keep his significant other close by.  Of course, she can’t be around 24 hours a day.  However, the more she’s around, the less chances there will be for tempting opportunities to arise.

4.      Have Sex With Your Own Wife Regularly

Well, I said before that most cheating done by men has little to do with the wife or significant other.  There is an arena where her participation plays a major factor and that is the bedroom.  If a husband is not having sex at home, his chances of cheating are greatly increased.  There is no magic number on how often is often enough and the frequency will depend on the couple, but let’s just say that once a year might be a bit too long by most people’s standard.  When you feel the desire, act on it as soon as you can.  Life can get in the way sometimes, but try not to wait so long that the desire has faded.

5.      Answer to a Higher Power

This is the last, but definitely not the least point.  I don’t know what your beliefs are or who you give credit to for your life, but during those times when no one else is around knowing that there is a higher power than yourself should make you think twice before cheating.  If we only answer to ourselves, we do what makes us feel happy, even if it is not necessarily the right thing.  If we only answer to our spouses, we are tempted to think what they don’t know won’t hurt them.  If we answer to God, then there is no wiggle room to deceive ourselves or someone else.

Someone may be thinking this is just another way for religious people to hold God over our heads to try to direct morals.  Well, why it is true you can refrain from cheating without thinking about it from a spiritual point of view, having a relationship with God will give you a much deeper reason not to.  Coming full circle to the first point, if we humble ourselves and take hold of the notion that we answer to an authority far greater than ourselves, we’ll realize that if we cheat, we’re cheating not only on someone else, but ourselves and our Maker.”

______________________________________________________________

So remember–

If you need answers from a male perspective, my husband, Danny, will give his 2¢.  This week is “Danny’s 2¢ Week”.

Danny will be writing the next few blogs on men’s issues.  This includes, but is not limited to, marital and parenting situations from a man’s perspective.  Consider these things:

1.  Is there anything you ever wanted to get a man’s opinion on, but was too afraid to ask?

2.  Are you having trouble communicating with your man and wished someone could give you a tip on how to do it more effectively?

3.  Are you a man who is afraid of commitment, love, responsibility, or whatever and would like to get another man’s view?

4.  If you just want to be nosy and ask him personal questions, that’s fine too.

Come with your questions.  Danny will answer them all.  No subject is off limits.  No, I’m not channeling him… he will REALLY be responding to you.

Ok. Ok… For the two of you who read this blog, at least one of you has probably noticed that I’ve been MIA for the past few days.  No, no.  It’s not because of writer’s block or anything that fancy.  C’mon… give me a break.  I’m a wife, mother, and attorney… Life gets in the way sometimes.  While I enjoy writing on this blog, I had to focus my attention on other things.  Like…

Taking my daughter back to the ER because she dislocated her elbow all by herself this time.  But, don’t worry.  That’s the last one of those trips we’re going to make.  I asked the doc to show me how to put it back in place since it’s obviously something she can easily dislocate AND since it’s obviously something really easy to correct.  The visit to the ER was longer this time, but on a positive note– she did better on the elevators… only a slight squeal each time.

I also had the pleasure of trying to get my client to understand that there is no need to appeal her parole revocation since she plead guilty to felony prostitution.  She still doesn’t get it.  Hey– the Parole Board wouldn’t be doing its job if they decided she should continue supervision considering her history of prostitution, possessing cocaine, and being revoked several times in the past.  Oh boy…

Good times.  Anywho…

I just wanted to write a quick note to let you know about this little gem I discovered in the blogosphere:  Happily Ever After Soulmates.  I’m so proud of this married couple who decided to give their marriage a chance by going through intensive counseling.  They are learning to get past hurt, rediscover the love they had for each other, and strengthen their marriage by openly communicating their feelings.  We, as readers, have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and support their efforts at the same time.  They have candid discussions that most people can relate to either now or in our own futures.  Check out their blog.

And now… (drum roll, please)

Need Answers From a Male Perspective?  My husband, Danny, will give his 2¢.  In fact, this week will be called “Danny’s 2¢ Week”.

Danny will be writing the next few blogs on men’s issues.  This includes, but is not limited to, marital and parenting situations from a man’s perspective.  Consider these things:

1.  Is there anything you ever wanted to get a man’s opinion on, but was too afraid to ask?

2.  Are you having trouble communicating with your man and wished someone could give you a tip on how to do it more effectively?

3.  Are you a man who is afraid of commitment, love, responsibility, or whatever and would like to get another man’s view?

4.  If you just want to be nosy and ask him personal questions, that’s fine too.

Come with your questions.  Danny will answer them all.  No subject is off limits.  No, I’m not channeling him… he will REALLY be responding to you.

If no one has a question, that’s ok.  I have several of my own to keep him occupied.  (grinning devishly)

It’s that time again. So what’s on my mind today? 

1.  I’ve been working out pretty hard.  I feel really good about it.  I’ve been on the track by the lake most days, since the weather’s been so great (still 80s).  Too bad it’s going to drop down to the 50-60s range tomorrow through Saturday.  I’ll have to retreat to my home gym.

2.  This season of “American Idol” rocks!!!  So much talent… Good conversation piece with my friends and family.  My favorite so far?  26-year-old Adam Lambert:

“Dancing With The Stars“started a new season.  I think I’ll sit this one out… it wasn’t very good last night.  Dull.

3.   We had a much better playgroup today.  It wasn’t followed by a trip to the ER, at least.  Dasha enjoyed sliding and pretending to rock climb:

Yeah, yeah.  I know she looks like a boy in the purple with her baby fro, but she’s all girl.

4.  Is Vin Diesel really in the next “Fast and Furious“???  Ha!  It’s about time he came to his senses.

Well, that’s all for now.  My husband and I are getting ready to watch a movie together.  We’ll see if it’s one to write about…

Visit The Un Mom for more random thoughts.