Mar 16 2009
Can Men Really Be Faithful?
Danny gets asked all the time about how to remain faithful in a relationship. You know… being with the same woman… day in, day out… Some men feel fidelity goes against our natural instincts and is therefore, impossible. Some women feel all men are cheaters and there’s no need to trust that one will be faithful. So, can men really be faithful in a relationship?
Danny believes it’s possible. Quite frankly, Danny’s answer to this question is one of the reasons I wanted to marry him… other than the fact that he’s smart, hansome, sweet… Anywho…
For the first installment of “Danny’s 2¢ Week”, he would like to address… (passing the mic)
“Well the idea of monogamy is difficult for many men to grasp. I agree that looking at it from a natural point of view, may make you believe we are not supposed to be with one person. I mean, most of the other mammal species don’t settle down with just one mate, so why should we? On the flip side, we are supposedly the most intelligent species on the planet, so shouldn’t we hold ourselves to a higher standard than the dog who chases his own tail? Well, although monogamy may not be a natural instinct (hey, neither is lifting weights, but we’ll learn to do that), there are some things we can do to help in our quest to remain faithful. The following is my 5 manly tips on staying faithful.
5 Manly Points On Staying Faithful:
1. Check Your Ego
From what I’ve observed most men cheating problems derive from their desire to feed their egos. Usually when women cheat, it’s because there is a lack somewhere in her relationship. So when a husband or significant other cheats, many women get self- conscious because they are thinking of cheating from a woman’s point of view. If you look at it from a man’s point of view, you’ll realize it doesn’t have much to do with the woman but more to do with his desire to have his ego stroked by another woman showing and telling him he’s “The Man.”
2. Avoid Dangerous Situations
Both women and men can identify flirting from someone of the opposite sex. If you’re single, then it’s no big deal. However, if you’re married, you should think of yourself as skating on thin ice with hot blades, because the longer you do it the more likely you are to fall in, figuratively and literally. I don’t know of many men who will actually say that they want to be an unfaithful husband or significant other (even the unfaithful ones), but many are because they don’t avoid the dangerous situations.
The usual root of this problem goes back to the ego issue mentioned above. Attention from a new woman is a huge ego booster for most men and many find it difficult to say no to the woman’s attention and to their own egos. The best thing to do is not to leave any opening, because even the “innocent” flirting can grow into something a lot less “innocent” over time.
3. Keep Your Wife Close By
An easy way to avoid the dangerous situations, mentioned above, is to keep your wife or significant other close by as much as possible. Most men, who are in their right minds, will not flirt or even look at another woman in front of their wives or significant others. So a man, who wants and needs a little motivation to stay on the straight and narrow path (especially when he knows he’s going to a tempting environment), should keep his significant other close by. Of course, she can’t be around 24 hours a day. However, the more she’s around, the less chances there will be for tempting opportunities to arise.
4. Have Sex With Your Own Wife Regularly
Well, I said before that most cheating done by men has little to do with the wife or significant other. There is an arena where her participation plays a major factor and that is the bedroom. If a husband is not having sex at home, his chances of cheating are greatly increased. There is no magic number on how often is often enough and the frequency will depend on the couple, but let’s just say that once a year might be a bit too long by most people’s standard. When you feel the desire, act on it as soon as you can. Life can get in the way sometimes, but try not to wait so long that the desire has faded.
5. Answer to a Higher Power
This is the last, but definitely not the least point. I don’t know what your beliefs are or who you give credit to for your life, but during those times when no one else is around knowing that there is a higher power than yourself should make you think twice before cheating. If we only answer to ourselves, we do what makes us feel happy, even if it is not necessarily the right thing. If we only answer to our spouses, we are tempted to think what they don’t know won’t hurt them. If we answer to God, then there is no wiggle room to deceive ourselves or someone else.
Someone may be thinking this is just another way for religious people to hold God over our heads to try to direct morals. Well, why it is true you can refrain from cheating without thinking about it from a spiritual point of view, having a relationship with God will give you a much deeper reason not to. Coming full circle to the first point, if we humble ourselves and take hold of the notion that we answer to an authority far greater than ourselves, we’ll realize that if we cheat, we’re cheating not only on someone else, but ourselves and our Maker.”
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So remember–
If you need answers from a male perspective, my husband, Danny, will give his 2¢. This week is “Danny’s 2¢ Week”.
Danny will be writing the next few blogs on men’s issues. This includes, but is not limited to, marital and parenting situations from a man’s perspective. Consider these things:
1. Is there anything you ever wanted to get a man’s opinion on, but was too afraid to ask?
2. Are you having trouble communicating with your man and wished someone could give you a tip on how to do it more effectively?
3. Are you a man who is afraid of commitment, love, responsibility, or whatever and would like to get another man’s view?
4. If you just want to be nosy and ask him personal questions, that’s fine too.
Come with your questions. Danny will answer them all. No subject is off limits. No, I’m not channeling him… he will REALLY be responding to you.
Nice insight and great advice Danny!
I’m still working on the perfect question. Don’t give up on me! (And nice answer to the infidelity question!)
Hey Danny/Davida!
That’s great stuff. It’s great that you are writing a males perspective on the blog. Sometimes, people want to know the answer, but are afraid to ask, so kudos to you guys!
Hope you’re well.
My brother and I have been discussing this topic on Facebook. He has given me permission to post his responses here.
BJ on 17 Mar 2009 at 11:52 am
“Great, great advice. However, I slightly disagree with point #1. According to the lastest statistics taken among men, there was a high corelation of cheating men with how the men felt their woman treated/viewed them. Most actually (believe it or not) LIKED the other woman and got to know her well before anything physical. The physical aspect was just an additional bonus. Ego? Yes. But let’s zoom out: An individual who feels they are properly valued at a company will probably spend little or no time looking for another job.
If the man is considered brilliant every place he goes, but considered an idiot when he comes home…well, do the math.”
I replied to my brother on Facebook:
Davida on 17 March 2009 at 12:18 pm
“IMO, you are making a great point about the part ego plays in cheating. And, by ego, I mean that part directly linked to self-esteem, self-assurance, self-confidence, self-awareness…That part that should be strong in who you are as man. If you know you are THE MAN, you don’t have to continuously look to outside forces to validate it. When you KNOW who you are, it doesn’t matter what others think, what they tempt you with, whether they treat you well or not…You are the man regardless of anyone else’s opinion of you or contact with you. I think Danny’s point is that men who cheat, even if they do so because the other woman treats them better, are doing so because they NEED to be validated. If they didn’t need that validation already, it wouldn’t matter if another woman came along or not. The desire for validation is what makes them vulnerable to open themselves up to “liking” someone else. Thanks for reading and commenting, BJ! May I add your comment directly to the blog?”
Davida
(Received from Facebook) BJ on 17 Mar 2009 at 12:43 pm
“Well according to your response, I can now explore even another avenue or foundation. Since the man has to be ‘emotionally weak’ to have real issues with being considered brilliant everywhere he goes and considered a dummy at home…then the real question is “What would be the point in being married to that woman?” If Halle Berry has to go home every night to a man who calls her unattractive after the general public finds her sexy–then why is she even married to him at all? He obviously doesn’t speak accurately and is more of an obstacle than a catalyst to her personal growth. You don’t have to have a super ego to seek validation. -No more than you have to be selfish to seek victory against an opponent. If the woman is brilliant and the general public unanimously knows it, and she happens to marry a man who treats her as a dumb broad—She doesn’t have to have a weakness or problem of seeking validation to have serious issues at home. She just married the wrong man.”
(Received from Facebook) BJ on 17 Mar 2009 at 1:01 pm
“My point is: Statistically…the ‘weakness of validation’ can be disputed. The concept of ego being in check is a great point, but pretty difficult to fully mention without discussing it in its entirety. Not all ego is dumb ego. We normally would not say a person is a violent person because they punch a person everytime a person punches them. I also think it is inconclusive to insinuate that a man seeking validation from his woman is automatically foolish or an exhibit of his weakness. In some relationships it is. —Some…its not.”
Davida on 17 Mar 2009 at 1:03 pm
“So, does this mean I may or may not add your comments directly to the blog? Since it’s “Danny’s 2 Cents” week, I’d like for him to add his 2 cents and for others to benefit from the discussion.
As far as what I think? My opinion is influenced by my ideas of what marriage is to begin with. Since I believe HEAVY emphasis should be placed on the selection process, and since I believe a couple should do EVERYTHING possible to stay together after they have decided on Mr. and Mrs. Right (even counseling), I think these sort of validation issues should be worked out between the two of them. It should be a process for the both people to go through together. It’s certainly less likely he will work through any issues with a nagging or belittling wife if his focus is split between another woman. Funny thing is, once he’s with the “other woman”, he’s usually unhappy with her too…eventually.”
Davida
(Received from Facebook) BJ on 17 Mar 2009 at 1:10 pm
“Of course, you can add my comments directly. Give me new enemies from across the world! I can handle it. I’m not seeking ‘validation’ from them. *wink”
Davida on 17 Mar 2009 at 1:13 pm
“Your comments “Not all ego is dumb ego” and that we are insinuating “…a man seeking validation from his woman is automatically foolish or an exhibit of his weakness.” are not at all what either of us said. Danny pointed out for a man to be faithful, he has to keep his ego in check. A terrible wife is not a justification for cheating. Two wrongs don’t make one right. The spouses should work on their relationship. Period. Some ego is healthy. True. I’m sure that’s what warriors, olympians, and mega-successful people rely on from time-to-time. But, when you’re trying to be a faithful man, because it is the right thing to do, and not because you have a great wife, you have to check your ego. That, I believe was Danny’s point. My point is, if you have a terrible wife, work with her, not another woman to correct the issue. Her grass may seem greener right now, but you’ll get sick of the other woman soon enough.”
Davida on 17 Mar 2009 at 1:18
“Oh, great! Hey–this is about learning from each other. No one should become an enemy just because you have an opinion. If so, screw ‘em…we’ll have to beat ‘em up together. JK”
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I hope this exchange hasn’t been too confusing for anyone. I just posted the comments that my brother and I posted on Facebook regarding Danny’s post on men remaining faithful.
Davida
(Received from Facebook) BJ on 17 Mar 2009 at 1:41 pm
“I tend to think theoretically and then realistically. In theory, I would like to think a boy lost in the jungle for years that grows up with gorillas will be a perfectly normal man later in life. Realistically, I doubt it. The blog was “Can Men Really Be Faithful?”. Of course we CAN. In theory, if the man feels his partner views and treats him accurately, its more probable. If he is in the bad scenarios I mentioned, it is realistically more improbable. Recent statistics from Oprah’s show support these scenarios. That’s why I responded to the ego concept. I do not support infidelity. I also do not advocate teenage pregnancy, but I know that the chances increase when you have sex as a teenager. :)”
Davida on 17 Mar 2009 at 1:46 pm
“LOL–I agree with your point. I think that’s why Danny came up with some tips on how to remain faithful. Clearly, that’s just for those who are interested in doing so. Realistically, many won’t give two hoots.”
Davida
That was quite a fascinating exchange. We got two male perspectives for the price of one. lol. Number 5 especially made a lot of sense, but does that necessarily mean that people with no religious background are incapable of being faithful? Just throwing another idea on the fire I suppose.
Both my husband and I are very understanding. We know how to compromise and we talk, sometimes yell but we make it through. I know he has woman on his “list”, like celebrities he’d want to be with and I don’t have a problem with him finding other woman attractive. I think it’s important to trust one another. Give a little freedom and don’t control their every move. I think the more control there is in a relationship the more likely someone will cheat. Don’t make someone want to cheat, make them happy in the relationship.
Hope I didn’t ramble. I’m kind of hungry.. LOL
http://amothersdevotion.blogspot.com
I’d like to thank everyone for your wonderful comments. I’ve even had a few of my college buddies come over from facebook and drop a line (isn’t technology grand). Now it seems that the plot has thickened a little, I’d like to chime in and add my 2 cents to it.
With regards to the comment made by my brother-in-law BJ, there are too sides to ego issues. On one side you have someone who can’t get enough praise no matter how much is thrown at him from any and every direction. On the other side you have someone whose ego has been malnourished so to speak, who will take any attention from anyone willing to give it to him. Both are ego issues and need to be checked before they manifest themselves through infidelity.
An analogy that comes to mind is the image of people with eating disorders. You have those who eat too much and those who barely eat at all. Both are not healthy and will eventually lead to major health disorders if not corrected in a reasonable amount of time. The same rules applies for the male ego. If it starts to become obese then you need to put it on a diet. If you feel that it is malnourished then you need to make sure it is getting a healthy source of nourishment (i.e. from your own spouse, not someone else).
I’m sure there are many men who feel unappreciated at home and that may have lead some of them to go down the path of infidelity. I’d be willing to bet, many of those men never went to their wives and tried to confront this issue head on. If there is an open line of communication, a man should be able to address his issues plainly to his wife and seek a resolution before stepping out on her.
However, a lot men don’t open up with their spouses about these issues, and chose the path of infidelity because it is easier than trying to work out the issues in a relationship. Unfortunately, it is easier to give up, than it is to work things out like adults.
So to sum it all up, men need to take inventory of their ego and if they find the need to have it pumped up by another woman, they need to determine if its because their ego is malnourished or has a tapeworm. Either way he will need to make adjustments that will most likely require some open communication with his spouse to correct the issue.
I believe somewhere in there I addressed most of the issues that arose from this comment, but if not feel free to let me know with another friendly comment.
With regards to the comment left by Mrsbear, I’m definitely not saying someone with no religious background is incapable of being faithful. For some people, their compassion for their spouse is all they need to remain true. Others may need more to keep themselves on the right path. My point was that adding your faith to your relationship should help deepen it.
SJ, I really empathize with you. What happened to you seems to be more of the norm than not. Witnessing so many families suffer is really how this particular blog subject and entire blog came to be. We have listened to warranted complaints, comforted hurts, and watched fragile relationships crumble from the same ol’ things day after day. We wanted to do SOMETHING to make a difference.
I agree that women seem to be blamed a lot for what goes wrong. No matter what you do, it never seems to be good enough. That’s not right! You are justified to feel angry, sad, bitter, and hurt, but you can’t let that get the best of you. Once, the emotions subside, we are left with the reality that we have to move on. Hopefully, moving on can involve open communication and a desire to get things right with our spouses. I know all situations can’t be resolved and lead to a happy ending, but Danny and I pray the people we reach through this blog will find a way to do so.
Thank you for your comments. Continue to stay strong. I believe you are a better person for not letting your circumstances get you down. If you ever feel you need to vent, you are always welcomed to do so here. Promise.
Davida
Love this post . . . I enjoyed a long and very happy marriage . . . the key was mutual respect for each other over and above anything else. It was like the icing on the cake . . .
More comments from Facebook:
Cheratta on 17 Mar 2009 at 4:56 pm
“Great post Danny. I shared this with my friends and spouse. Hope he reads it. lol”
Tonya on 18 Mar 2009 at 10:07 am
“okay I have just finished reading this blog and you and BJ comments I have to go do some work but when I return I will state my point from a woman who was in a marriage where my husband cheated non stop and what I think about all men then and now I love you guys keep it coming both you and BJ points are great, now I want you to hear it from me, I am not Halle Berry but I could relate if I were in her shoes and that was going on! be back soon! and before you ask you can post any of my comments to the blog!”
Reply on Facebook:
Davida on 18 Mar 2009 at 10:40 am
“Cheratta, thanks so much for reading! Danny and I are pleased that you passed it on to others. We hope it is a blessing to them.
Tonya, whoo hoo! C’mon back and share.
If you go to the actual blog link: http://glue4families.today.com/2009/03/16/can-men-really-be-faithful/
you will find other comments, including another commenter’s personal perspective after her husband cheated on her. The two of them are going through counseling to mend their marriage. Danny and I try to make the blog interesting, informative, and supportive for all readers. We look forward to reading your comment!”
Davida
As with any discussion, it is important to identify the audience. I was under the assumption as I was reading that the audience included men AND women. Therefore, advice numbers 2-5 were excellent advice for men on the subject matter. However, I felt that since women also may be reading the blog and would typically be the recipient of a man cheating, that further discussion on the subject of ego was necessary. –That not all ego is improper ego. That a woman can help facilitate an environment that can either be more encouraging to fidelity or one that can be discouraging. And obviously this can apply to any gender. So Danny, I should not have said I “slightly disagree with point #1″. I would have rather said that I wanted to add to point #1.
Most of us have been exposed to the concept of bacteria and fungus. We also understand that it practically exists everywhere. But it is also important to understand for even a healthy person, that some environments are more proned to assist or inhibit its growth. While the men make sure their ego is in check, I would ask that women also take note of his environment.
BJ, thanks for responding directly on the blog. Whew! I don’t have to copy and paste from Facebook anymore.
Davida
I wanted to make sure no one felt left out…
Jacqueline, he’s trying to convert the men he knows.
A 15-year happy marriage is a testimony that it is possible.
Reynaldo and Will, glad you enjoyed!
Stephanie, we know you’ll come up with something good. Take your time.
Vanezza and RE, we’re so glad you read and enjoyed the post from a man’s perspective. Looks like Danny needs to take over the blog. lol
Not4UrEyes, compromise, talk, and trust–you brought up three of the biggest and best elements in a successful marriage.
Labelladiva, mutual respect–number 4 on biggest and best elements list. Thanks for the reminder.
Chay, glad you enjoyed Danny’s 2 cents. Thanks for grabbing my badge. I added yours to my page as well.
Thanks for the comments!!! Feel free to add more if the mood strikes. We decided to leave this post up a while longer due to the excellent responses.
Davida
Received from Facebook:
Tonya on 18 Mar 2009 at 12:22 pm
“Okay I am back you guys, first let me say that it is so hard for some women to find a good man and my opinion is that is because we are looking when in reality God made one woman for one man and that man is suppose to find her, at least that is what my bible says “A man that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing”, I was married in 2002 to a man that just wasn’t satisfied, I often would ask myself what was I doing wrong, now the points you made were great Mr Danny
but it didn’t work in my marriage. I looked at myself over and over and BJ I made sure that he didn’t have to come home to craziness I actually tried with all my might to make this man happy. Sex was not a problem at all, communication, on my end, was not a problem, and I really didn’t understand what in hey was going wrong! 2 weeks after we were married he was lying and had been sleeping with another woman 2 weeks! I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t say anything at first, then later I decided to address the problem and he became upset this went on for all the times we were together. One of the biggest problems was it was a different woman everytime that is when I realized that I was not the problem he was well I will say that he had a problem! I ended up finding out that it wasn’t just women it was men as well, but I was already gone by then (thanks to God above I never had an STD) after going through all of this I just figured all men cheat, why not, it happened all of my life, but one day God put a man in my life that loved me and my children unconditionally and I didn’t know how to accept that with everything that I have went through with the cheaters! (my husband was not the only one that cheated) so from my(a woman’s) point of view sometimes we allow what other men had done to us affect our relationship because we stop trusting. This man doesn’t cheat, and the good thing about it is God mended my heart to trust and believe again, so I can be the woman I am suppose to be!”
Well just as a sidenote: I would never suggest that all men were great men for marriage. And neither would I suggest that all men and women are compatible for each other. Michael Jordan was an excellent shooting guard, but would have made a terrible center–even with his strong work ethic. With that being said, I am a firm believer that an individual can do all of the right things in a relationship and it still not work…if the two were never compatible from the start. So I would think that with everything we have discussed, the most important thing also is that we as men and women FIRST make wise decisions on who we choose to marry/date and that we marry those we truly are compatible with. That way, we will not be in a position where we need a miracle of turning water into wine daily in our relationships. I suggest a blog on compatibility. lol
Love this! I really hate when fidelity in the relationship somehow becomes the wife’s fault. I despise excuses like “she isn’t trying hard enough,” and I love that this points out that a healthy relationship is a partnership. Both are equal in keeping it real.
By the way, I gave you an award on my site. Yes, yes…I know you get stuff like that all the time. But I gave it to you anyway.
Mammadawg, thanks for dropping by and appreciating his points!
Oldwestmom, I really hate that too. Thanks for the award. I’ll stop by and check it out. One can never get too many of those.
BJ, I think you make some great points, especially about compatibility. That’s why I have focused so much time in the past discussing the “selection process”. That CANNOT be taken lightly. If people spent more time making sure the one they are intending to marry complements them and vice versa, I think there would be less problems later. I had the lovely experience of calling off an engagement and canceling a wedding one month before we were going to get married (in another lifetime). It was the most humiliating and hurtful time of my life that I have come to see as the BEST thing that could have happened back then. I dropped that zero and later met my hero. Ending that pre-marital relationship was far better than spending years miserably with someone and then later divorcing. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions on the front end to avoid heartbreak on the backend. I’m aware that some people really get fooled by con artists, BUT if you RUSHED in to marrying someone who you found out later “conned” you, you are partly responsible for the outcome. Compatibility and selecting the right mate is important. I’ve written about it in the past, but upon your request, Danny will discuss it later this week.
BTW, if you’re interested, this is the link for my post about selecting the right mate:
http://glue4families.today.com/2008/12/07/what-are-your-most-important-factors-in-selecting-a-mate/
Jill, someone asked me how I could trust Danny after being hurt so bad in the past. My response was that it’s really easy. Like what you have with your husband–Danny is really good about showing he’s trustworthy and doesn’t do anything to make me feel insecure. He went out of his way in the beginning to show that he had nothing to hide and I felt at ease with him. Distrust is not even an issue when both are secure in who they are and who they are to each other.
TheHawg, your comment summed everything up in a nutshell! Don’t cheat because you WILL get caught, it will hurt your spouse and children, being faithful is the right thing to do, and learn to appreciate the one you’re. Beautiful.
Thanks for the comments!!!
Davida
I must congratulate you and your husband. He seems like a strong man and you both are lucky to have each other. I have only been married for almost 2 years now and I must admit, your husband has the same ideals as mine. I have found myself defending him to women who think that there are no good men out there. I am happy to see his point of view on your blog…maybe he should start his own..LOL
Thank you for posting such a wonderful post.