We are still having “Danny’s 2 ¢ Week“, where my husband gives readers a candid male perspective for all their questions.  During the discussion on men being faithful, my brother, BJ, had this to say:

“…I am a firm believer that an individual can do all of the right things in a relationship and it still not work…if the two were never compatible from the start. So… we as men and women FIRST make wise decisions on who we choose to marry/date and that we marry those we truly are compatible with. That way, we will not be in a position where we need a miracle of turning water into wine daily in our relationships. I suggest a blog on compatibility.”

Well, what the readers want from Danny, he will give.  If you need help with your selection process, read what Danny has to say.  You’re up, Danny…

 ”Selection Process of Picking a Spouse

 Well, the other day we had a wonderful discussion on things men should do to avoid cheating and we touched upon the selection process of finding a spouse.  I am a HUGE advocate of a rigorous selection process when it comes to picking a spouse.  I think the divorce rate would drop if people would put a little more effort in this process. 

What would you do if you were picking a house that you planned on staying in until you died?  Would you buy it after only looking at the outside?  Of course, you wouldn’t.  You’d walk through it several times, check out all the rooms, lights, fixtures, have others come to inspect it, etc.  We usually do this much for a house we’ll likely leave in several years, so I’m sure we’d do even more if we were picking our final house. 

So why do some of us not take the same rule of thought to the selection process when choosing a spouse?  It should be just as rigorous, if not more, than the process we use for selecting a house.  We should ensure our spouse is a solid match for us, and the marriage we build together, like the house can weather the storms of life.

I’ve heard many women wonder what men are looking for in a spouse.  Although I can’t speak for all men, I believe that there are several things you should consider.  The list should probably be longer, but for reading purposes, I’ve condensed it down to seven points. The following is my list of things to look for when selecting a spouse:

1)      Find Out Who They REALLY Are

Just like the house scenario mentioned above, the only way you can know if you’re getting a good deal with someone is if you inspect them thoroughly to find out who they REALLY are.  Some people put on a good front and may look fine on the outside, but have lot of internal issues.  When the front comes down and you finally meet the REAL person, you may not like them.  So it’s best to meet THAT person before you get married to them.

The easiest way to find out who a person REALLY is, is to spend lots of quality time with that person.  Putting on a front is a bit tasking, so the REAL person will eventually show up when you spend enough time around them.  Now this process may take a while, and this why I don’t advise anyone to rush into a marriage.  Even if you’re sure this person is “The One,” if you plan on being married until you die, then what’s the issue with waiting a little while longer?

2)      Should be Someone You Like

I have been quite surprised at the number of people I’ve known, who were in relationships with people they didn’t like.  I was always of the opinion that like comes before love.  So if you claimed to love a person, they you should like them as well because that should have come first.  Apparently, that’s not always the case.

Some people force themselves to love someone who they don’t like because they feel the overall person is good.  Well, I’m here to say that just because your potential spouse may be a good person doesn’t mean they are the person for you. 

3)      Values Should Be Similar

When you make the decision to get married, you are saying you are willing to become one unit.  This is difficult to do if you have completely different fundamental ideas.  Some pairs just won’t work well together. The feminist will likely clash with the chauvinist, the atheist will likely have a problem with the devout Christian, etc. 

Be sure to pick someone who has similar values, so you won’t become deeply unsettled on the major issues (i.e. religion, ideas on childrearing).  The smaller, less significant issues (i.e. taste in fashion) may vary, but you should be on one accord with regards to the issues which move you at your core.

4)      Life Plans Should Be Similar

Although it was a nice little show, I don’t believe Green Acres is a realistic picture.  If one person is interested in big city living and the other wants to live on a farm, there will eventually be a major conflict because your visions of life don’t align at all.  I would suggest you discuss thoroughly your vision of life to your potential spouse and see if they have any resemblance.  If she wants a rock star and you’re a librarian who can’t sing, then you may need to keep looking.

5)      Someone You Can Be Open and Honest With

I’ve been told that the friendship in the marriage is the most important part because the other parts (romance, looks, sex) can blow with the wind.  Being able to be open and honest with your potential spouse is the first step in laying a solid foundation for what should be your deepest friendship.

This point ties into the first one, but from the opposite vantage point.  You should have someone you don’t mind being yourself around.  If you have to continually do things outside your comfort zone to impress a person, then they’re probably not the one for you.  Eventually putting on the show will get exhausting and you will have to be yourself.  If that isn’t enough for that person then let them go. 

6)      Able to Get Along With Their Families

This is a point that many people overlook, but it is important, nonetheless.  You have to remember that when you marry your spouse, you marry their family also.  So if you don’t like your potential in-laws, then you may need to think twice about marrying that person, because you will inherit that family (and all their problems) with them.

7)      Should Be a Compliment

This is one of the most profound points that I think many people look over.  I already mentioned that your marriage should work together as one unit.  To do so, you and your potential spouse should fit well together.  One’s strengths help the others weakness, so together the unit is stronger than the individual parts and over time you can help one another grow.” 

To read my previous post on selecting a mate, click here: “What Are Your Most Important Factors In Selecting A Mate?“.

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