Rocket Scientist asked:  “What steps would you recommend to make sure your daughter has the best opportunities in life, not just in career, but in finding healthy relationships with friends and potential lovers? What traits and characteristics do you think are important for you to foster and, in your opinion, is it different than what you would do for a son?”

Now for Danny’s 2¢…

 “Should Dads Treat Their Sons and Daughters the Same?

 The basic job for parents is to prepare their child(ren) for the world.  The task seems easy, but in practice can be a little difficult, especially if the parent hasn’t figured out some of the basics for themselves.  Overall, the task is the same for all of your children, no matter their gender, personality, etc.  Although, since life will present unique obstacles for the differences our children have, we must also prepare them for those as well.

 In the beginning, the gender differences we teach our children are the practical ones.  We have to show the boys how to aim properly at the toilet so they can have the proper etiquette we talked about the other day.  We have to teach the little girls that you can’t do certain things in skirts/dresses, and so on.  When the child hits the puberty range, we begin to shift to more of the role of mentors, and we’re required to give a lot more details on what it is to be a man or woman. 

 The common trend I’ve noticed is that parents seem to treat their children of the opposite sex a little softer than they treat the children of the same sex.  Fathers seem to give a little tougher love to the boys than they do the girls, and mothers seem to baby their boys a little more than they do the girls.  It may be the replica of the spouse that makes the parent a little softer on the child of the opposite sex, but there is often a slight difference.  This being the case, we should begin to understand why it is crucial to have both parents involved with the child, so that together they are neither too tough nor too soft on the child.

 If you’ve read the last few blogs, then you know I like to create lists.  So the following is my list of the things I believe parents should do to ensure they raise noble children.

 1. Be an Example

I believe the biggest task I have as a father is trying to be the best example I can to my children.  My example serves as the best advice I can give my children, because actions speak MUCH louder than words.  My example gives my son (who is imaginary for this example) a framework on what being a man looks like and my daughter (who is currently walking in and out of the room) a model for a potential husband. 

 The “do what I say, not as I do” method, can be quite confusing to children.  I remember when I was younger, my father used to go in and out of his smoking phases, but always told me how bad cigarettes where.  I remember being a little perplexed how he could continually say they were so bad, but yet he smoked them.  It took a later lesson from my mother when I was around 14 to get the point (she let me choke on one my dad left out).

A big concern of mine today is that so many men are not present in the house these days, especially in the black community.  The last I heard 70% of black families were being raised by a single moms.  Where will young men get guidance from, and who will the young women look to for potential spouses if almost three quarters of the men have no example to look to?  This topic could use its own blog, if not its own book, but with statistics like those, it’s definitely a problem that needs addressing.

2. Instill Positive Values

I remember when my sister graduated college, as the moderator acknowledged all the parents, he made the comment that what was taught by them (the parents) would go much further than what was taught by the university.  This is something every parent should take to heart.  My wife and I practice in the legal field, and we’ve all heard the lawyer jokes, but we can both assure you that we didn’t learn how to be the scum of the earth in law school.  Those who give lawyers (and every other profession) a bad name are likely the ones who got a skewed set of values from their parents. 

Most people’s values revolve around their religious beliefs.  Some people pull their values from the Bible, the Quran, the Torah, all or none of the above.  Whatever the source of your beliefs, be sure to have a strong enough foundation in it yourself, to answer the inevitable questions from your children on why you’ve chosen those values.  “That’s just the way we do things” is not a very strong answer if you want your children to practice what you’ve preached.  So if you’ve never actually opened a bible outside of the three or four Sundays you’ve made it to church that month (or year), don’t be surprised when your children don’t follow what’s in it.

The best way to instill good values and make sure your children actually follow them is to do as point one mentioned and practice them yourself.  This way you can be an example of your values in action.

3. Nurture the Strengths Positively

I’ve noticed my daughter since she was in the womb has had an admiration of music.  When my wife was pregnant, my daughter used to kick constantly during the song selections in church and now after every service she runs to the piano player to get a chance to peck at the keys.  Now some may see this as a grand opportunity, and involve her in every music competition under the sun as soon as she’s eligible and make a star out of her as soon as possible. 

I believe its best to encourage her talent without taking it overboard, because in the end, I still want her to enjoy what she does.  So while I will help her get all the help she needs to develop her skills in this area, I will not push her so hard that she loathes the very thing she enjoyed since before she was born.

4. Explain any Unique Challenges Life Is Likely to Present

We should love all our children the same, but we will most likely have to work harder with some in certain areas.  A first born will get a different lesson than the youngest child when it comes to how to treat siblings.  The blind child, will most likely get much more attention than all the able-body children in the family because their needs are special.  Whatever the uniqueness is of the child, you need to explain to them the strengths and weaknesses they need to consider when taking this unique feature to the rest of world.

For example, I’m the proud father of a wonderful little girl who is of African descent.  Of course, I’m going to teach her how to be a respectable young lady and will show her how to be the best at anything she does.  In addition to that, I will forewarn her of the hurdles she may face due to some sexist and racist practices in our society.  I will not present these hurdles as a reason to give up on any dreams, but just make sure she’s aware that they exist and if ever faced with one, show her how to overcome it.

5. Be Fair Amongst All Your Children

Although, you may need to tailor your children’s lessons in life to their circumstances, there can’t be too big a distinction between the children, because it may come off as not being loved the same.  Children pick up on this extremely fast and will internalize it, so that it later manifests in some sort of abnormal behavior.  This is a major pitfall every parent must avoid, because doing so can scar your children for life.

6. Be Open in Your Communication

I don’t know how many of the rest of you got (or currently give) the “because I said so” rule, but the vagueness of the rule prevents much of a lesson from taking place when it’s given.  I understand that parents don’t always have the chance to explain everything they do, but I think that it is to the parent’s benefit to explain as much as they can, when they can.  This will keep the child from wondering why you asked them to do a certain thing and may keep you from having to tell them the same thing when the situation arises again.

7. Be Sure to Do Everything In Love

Of all the rules, this is the one that underlies all of the rest.  I know children can frustrate you, make you angry, make you sad, make you all sort of other emotions, but they are still your children.  So it is of the upmost importance to show them, no matter what you say or do to them, you are doing it in love.  A child, who knows they are loved, will better handle the challenges that life throws at them, because they know they have someone in their corner no matter what.  I like to thank my parents, for always making that clear.  I will surely pass it on to their grandchildren.

With that being said, it’s been wonderful giving my 2 cents these last 2 weeks and I’ll let Davida take back the reins with regards to the content of the blog, until she summons me to chime in again.”

This was a tough question, Stephanie.  I’m glad it was for Danny and not me.  I’d probably still be thinking and writing about it.

Thanks, Danny, for giving us your 2¢ for the past 2 weeks!!!  Thanks to everyone who participated!!!