Rocket Scientist asked:  “What steps would you recommend to make sure your daughter has the best opportunities in life, not just in career, but in finding healthy relationships with friends and potential lovers? What traits and characteristics do you think are important for you to foster and, in your opinion, is it different than what you would do for a son?”

Now for Danny’s 2¢…

 “Should Dads Treat Their Sons and Daughters the Same?

 The basic job for parents is to prepare their child(ren) for the world.  The task seems easy, but in practice can be a little difficult, especially if the parent hasn’t figured out some of the basics for themselves.  Overall, the task is the same for all of your children, no matter their gender, personality, etc.  Although, since life will present unique obstacles for the differences our children have, we must also prepare them for those as well.

 In the beginning, the gender differences we teach our children are the practical ones.  We have to show the boys how to aim properly at the toilet so they can have the proper etiquette we talked about the other day.  We have to teach the little girls that you can’t do certain things in skirts/dresses, and so on.  When the child hits the puberty range, we begin to shift to more of the role of mentors, and we’re required to give a lot more details on what it is to be a man or woman. 

 The common trend I’ve noticed is that parents seem to treat their children of the opposite sex a little softer than they treat the children of the same sex.  Fathers seem to give a little tougher love to the boys than they do the girls, and mothers seem to baby their boys a little more than they do the girls.  It may be the replica of the spouse that makes the parent a little softer on the child of the opposite sex, but there is often a slight difference.  This being the case, we should begin to understand why it is crucial to have both parents involved with the child, so that together they are neither too tough nor too soft on the child.

 If you’ve read the last few blogs, then you know I like to create lists.  So the following is my list of the things I believe parents should do to ensure they raise noble children.

 1. Be an Example

I believe the biggest task I have as a father is trying to be the best example I can to my children.  My example serves as the best advice I can give my children, because actions speak MUCH louder than words.  My example gives my son (who is imaginary for this example) a framework on what being a man looks like and my daughter (who is currently walking in and out of the room) a model for a potential husband. 

 The “do what I say, not as I do” method, can be quite confusing to children.  I remember when I was younger, my father used to go in and out of his smoking phases, but always told me how bad cigarettes where.  I remember being a little perplexed how he could continually say they were so bad, but yet he smoked them.  It took a later lesson from my mother when I was around 14 to get the point (she let me choke on one my dad left out).

A big concern of mine today is that so many men are not present in the house these days, especially in the black community.  The last I heard 70% of black families were being raised by a single moms.  Where will young men get guidance from, and who will the young women look to for potential spouses if almost three quarters of the men have no example to look to?  This topic could use its own blog, if not its own book, but with statistics like those, it’s definitely a problem that needs addressing.

2. Instill Positive Values

I remember when my sister graduated college, as the moderator acknowledged all the parents, he made the comment that what was taught by them (the parents) would go much further than what was taught by the university.  This is something every parent should take to heart.  My wife and I practice in the legal field, and we’ve all heard the lawyer jokes, but we can both assure you that we didn’t learn how to be the scum of the earth in law school.  Those who give lawyers (and every other profession) a bad name are likely the ones who got a skewed set of values from their parents. 

Most people’s values revolve around their religious beliefs.  Some people pull their values from the Bible, the Quran, the Torah, all or none of the above.  Whatever the source of your beliefs, be sure to have a strong enough foundation in it yourself, to answer the inevitable questions from your children on why you’ve chosen those values.  “That’s just the way we do things” is not a very strong answer if you want your children to practice what you’ve preached.  So if you’ve never actually opened a bible outside of the three or four Sundays you’ve made it to church that month (or year), don’t be surprised when your children don’t follow what’s in it.

The best way to instill good values and make sure your children actually follow them is to do as point one mentioned and practice them yourself.  This way you can be an example of your values in action.

3. Nurture the Strengths Positively

I’ve noticed my daughter since she was in the womb has had an admiration of music.  When my wife was pregnant, my daughter used to kick constantly during the song selections in church and now after every service she runs to the piano player to get a chance to peck at the keys.  Now some may see this as a grand opportunity, and involve her in every music competition under the sun as soon as she’s eligible and make a star out of her as soon as possible. 

I believe its best to encourage her talent without taking it overboard, because in the end, I still want her to enjoy what she does.  So while I will help her get all the help she needs to develop her skills in this area, I will not push her so hard that she loathes the very thing she enjoyed since before she was born.

4. Explain any Unique Challenges Life Is Likely to Present

We should love all our children the same, but we will most likely have to work harder with some in certain areas.  A first born will get a different lesson than the youngest child when it comes to how to treat siblings.  The blind child, will most likely get much more attention than all the able-body children in the family because their needs are special.  Whatever the uniqueness is of the child, you need to explain to them the strengths and weaknesses they need to consider when taking this unique feature to the rest of world.

For example, I’m the proud father of a wonderful little girl who is of African descent.  Of course, I’m going to teach her how to be a respectable young lady and will show her how to be the best at anything she does.  In addition to that, I will forewarn her of the hurdles she may face due to some sexist and racist practices in our society.  I will not present these hurdles as a reason to give up on any dreams, but just make sure she’s aware that they exist and if ever faced with one, show her how to overcome it.

5. Be Fair Amongst All Your Children

Although, you may need to tailor your children’s lessons in life to their circumstances, there can’t be too big a distinction between the children, because it may come off as not being loved the same.  Children pick up on this extremely fast and will internalize it, so that it later manifests in some sort of abnormal behavior.  This is a major pitfall every parent must avoid, because doing so can scar your children for life.

6. Be Open in Your Communication

I don’t know how many of the rest of you got (or currently give) the “because I said so” rule, but the vagueness of the rule prevents much of a lesson from taking place when it’s given.  I understand that parents don’t always have the chance to explain everything they do, but I think that it is to the parent’s benefit to explain as much as they can, when they can.  This will keep the child from wondering why you asked them to do a certain thing and may keep you from having to tell them the same thing when the situation arises again.

7. Be Sure to Do Everything In Love

Of all the rules, this is the one that underlies all of the rest.  I know children can frustrate you, make you angry, make you sad, make you all sort of other emotions, but they are still your children.  So it is of the upmost importance to show them, no matter what you say or do to them, you are doing it in love.  A child, who knows they are loved, will better handle the challenges that life throws at them, because they know they have someone in their corner no matter what.  I like to thank my parents, for always making that clear.  I will surely pass it on to their grandchildren.

With that being said, it’s been wonderful giving my 2 cents these last 2 weeks and I’ll let Davida take back the reins with regards to the content of the blog, until she summons me to chime in again.”

This was a tough question, Stephanie.  I’m glad it was for Danny and not me.  I’d probably still be thinking and writing about it.

Thanks, Danny, for giving us your 2¢ for the past 2 weeks!!!  Thanks to everyone who participated!!!

After yesterday’s “Guilty Mom” post, I’d say today is a good time for #4 of my interview questions from Stephanie at Rocket Scientist.

Interview For Davida, Question #4:

You’ve had a child now for more than a year. What would you say the top five lessons you’ve learned from your baby have been (so far)?

1.  Never pull your baby by the hand.  Lift her up by her underarms instead.  Otherwise, you’ll find yourself with a screaming baby as you go to the ER for Nursemaid’s Elbow.

2.  Smile as often as you can.  Even when you can’t talk, smiling speaks for you.  Everyone loves to see your dimples, the twinkle in your eyes, and those pearly whites.  It truly will pick up someone’s day.

3.   Forgive and move on.  Even when someone does something that’s potentially harmful to you, it’s better to understand they probably didn’t mean any harm.  Instead of wasting your emotions on negativity, refer to #2 and smile.

4.   Everyone is someone’s child.  Treat them the way you’d want a stranger to treat your child.

5.   Children grow fast, which means times a-ticking by fast.  As babies, they develop physically and mentally faster than they ever will again.  Take lots of pictures to immortalize your memories.  Enjoy and cherish each moment. 

What have you learned from your baby?  If you don’t have children, what have you learned from someone else’s baby?

You can read the first and second parts of the interview by clicking on the links. 

BTW, if you happen to have questions you’d like to ask me, I’d LOVE to answer them.  There is no topic off limits.

I was all prepared to participate in Random Tuesday and give you all the latest craziness that’s been on my mind… like last night’s M-E-S-S on “The Bachelor”.  Jason really disappointed me!  This seemingly perfect gentleman asked Melissa to marry him, broke up with her on national television, after six weeks of dating off-camera, and asked Molly to give him another shot… and Molly was more than happy to be his second choice.  WHAT???

Is the lesson here that even the good guys are really jerks?  Maybe the lesson is that there’s no such thing as a fairy-tale ending.  Better yet–maybe the lesson is that “The Bachelor” just needs to call it quits because, unless you’re Trista and Ryan, you can’t have a real romance from reality television.

Anywho…

Since I know how much you love the follies of my parenting, as I fumble around trying to be the best mom I can be–I have decided to tell you another one of my horrific parenting mishaps.

Yes.  I did it again.  This time, I did it big.  Dasha and I ended up at Texas Children’s Hospital as a result of it.  And, by “it”, I mean “fumble”… “screw up”.

Since today is Tuesday, Dasha and I journeyed to our weekly playgroup.  It was fun.  There were lots of warm and friendly moms and babies.  We discussed the “Your Baby Can Read System”,  ate a light lunch, talked about swimming classes, and congratulated an expecting mom.  It was great…

Until it was time to go.  I was holding Dasha’s hand… she was falling… I jerked her back up… and SNAP.  I felt it.  She did too, although not as bad as she did an hour later when she couldn’t move her arm.

Since she didn’t scream out in pain, I wasn’t too sure that her elbow was really dislocated.  She had an “I’m annoyed” whine, but since it was nap time, that wasn’t out of the ordinary.  I’ve also felt her bones snap, crackle, and pop a little before so I didn’t know how serious it was until we got home and she was screaming full blast as I tried to take her clothes off for a nap.

So, I did what every modern-day mother would do… I got online and looked up her symptoms.  Yep.  Her elbow was dislocated.  It’s called “Nursemaid’s Elbow (Pulled Elbow)“.

Next, I called her pediatrician, only to discover the last straw.  The ped wouldn’t be able to see her until Thursday, so I decided that was one too many things I didn’t like about that office.  No emergency care.  She will be moved to another one this week.

Then, I called our insurance carrier to find out who I could take her to within the network.  I called three of the urgent care places who acted like they couldn’t take care of the situation.  They would put her arm in a splint and refer her to a specialist.  What?  I may not know how fragile my baby’s arm is, but I certainly know it shouldn’t take all that to snap it back in place.

One of the receptionists was nice enough to tell me that she took her daughter to Texas Children’s Hospital’s ER when the same thing happened to her.  Apparently, it’s VERY common.  I wasn’t really comforted by this since I had a splitting migraine (after not having one for five months due to drinking green tea) and Dasha was screaming bloody murder whenever she tried to move.  But, I was grateful for the referral.  I just wanted to get Dasha some help.

My baby was screaming and looking at me with the “evil eye”.  She knew it was my fault.

So, we went to the ER… and we were out in an hour.  Other than the incessant screams from Dasha the ER trip wasn’t too bad… and I don’t mean screams from the pain in her arm.  Whenever she wasn’t moving it, she was comfortable.  No, her screams came from seeing the doctor… the nurse… the admin guy… the custodian… basically, everyone who spoke to her, since she was in a funky mood AND that dreadful elevator ride.

One ride on the elevator turned into several because since I was in such a tizzy as we arrived, I didn’t think to remember where I parked.  And, when I say she screamed on each ride… I mean, she screamed LOUDLY.

Ok.  Well, you can stop shaking your head at me and calling me a bad mom.  I feel guilty enough.  Believe me I cried and snotted enough today right next to Dasha.  So, I gotta go now.  It’s American Idol time.  I have to switch back and forth between that and Part II of “The Bachelor: After the Final Rose”.

BTW, my pookie-dookie is doing well now.  She’s running around as if nothing ever happened.  All it took was two seconds for the doctor to snap her elbow back in place.

Have a guilty mom (or dad) story?  Do share.

I mentioned previously how much I enjoy reading Parenting magazine (Early Years).  The March 2009 issue has a funny article about playdates.  Since my daughter and I meet other moms and babies every Tuesday for a playgroup (sometimes other days with other groups), I thought this article would be very fitting to share with you this Tuesday.

The featured picture was taken during the playgroup at my house two weeks ago.  Yes, I actually hosted one… and that’s not as easy as it sounds.  Sometimes the babies get a little cranky, particularly so close to their nap times.  That’s usually when you can tell it’s time to end the playgroup.

In case you’re hosting a playdate or group, Parenting magazine gives the following tip on determining when it’s time to end it…

7 signs the playdate should end:

1. You just saw the diamond necklace your husband gave you for your anniversary pass by on a child who isn’t even yours.

2. You’ve convinced yourself it’s not such a bad day to send the kids outside. After all, it isn’t raining sideways or anything.

3. The pint-size opposing army is still on the attack, but you’ve run out of fort.

4. Your kid’s friend has been over so long, you just scheduled her well visit at the pediatrician’s office for Tuesday.

5. You and the dog are hiding in the basement.

6. One kid keeps asking for his goody bag.

7. Every time the doorbell on the dollhouse rings, you jump up to answer the front door, shouting, “Your mom’s here!”

You can read the entire article “The Playdate Survival Guide For Moms ” here.

My father-in-law sent us the Your Baby Can Read system.  It’s an early language development system for children ages three (3) months to five (5) years old.  Dr. Robert Titzer, a teacher and infant development researcher for over fifteen (15) years, is the mastermind behind this system.  If you’re interested in helping your children learn to read, you should check this out.

The system is designed to:

1.  Increase communication skills

2.  Enhance learning ability

3.  Build confidence

4.  Ensure future success

The system is equipped with the following tools:

1.  5 DVDs

2.  50 Word game cards

3.  82 Double-sided word cards

4.  5 Lift-a-flap books

5.  A “How To” Parent’s Guide book

6.  1 Window book

7.  1 Workshop DVD

8.  1 Music CD

My sixteen-month-old (16 mos) daughter and I watch the introductory video twice daily and go through a set of sliding word cards while she practices potty-time (which has also been very successful).  I’ll let you know our progress after following the system for thirty days straight.  I’ll probably post a youtube video at the end of this trial period to show you how it works.  So far, it’s pretty awesome!

If this all seems a bit outlandish, click on this link to learn more about how the system works.

While the trial period is discounted, the actual package is a little over $200, but certainly worth the investment if the goals are reached.   Thanks, Daddyo.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Poor baby.

My daughter and I made the journey to the doctor’s office for her fifteen-month check-up.  The journey was complete with getting lost on the way from our new residence, claustrophobic rides on several elevators, a waiting room full of snot and germs, confused staff trainees, a rejection from my payflex card (gotta check on that tomorrow), three shots of infections and diseases, and lots of soothing.  Good times.

I never really liked visiting the doctor’s office and I see that my daughter has the same characteristic.  She was happily walking up to all the strangers in the waiting room, offering her pacifier to the thumb-suckers, and refusing to share her teddy bear with anyone who dared reach for it.  She even played with some of the toys, as I cringed at the thought of what germs may lay dormant (I’m crazy protective like that).

We were finally led to a private room.  For some reason her doctor wasn’t there so the wait time in this room was extended beyond what I was pleased with.  I went through all the nursery rhymes I could think of to keep her occupied.  I even tried to throw in the ones that had “doctor” in it, like”Five Little Monkeys” and “Pattie Cake”.

All was well.  Until it happened.  As soon as she saw him she started wailing.  I mean, HIGH-PITCHED wailing… and she’s really not a “cry baby”.  You know who “him” is–the DOCTOR (insert evil laugh).  He wasn’t even the one to stick her with the needles, but even after her shots, she screamed every time she saw him.  Needless to say, the actual shots were terrible.

And, since most children around her age seem to develop fears of some kind, she picked the elevator to be the thing that just doesn’t work for her.  She wailed each time the elevator moved.  It was kind of embarrassing.  A woman stepped in the elevator and said, “Oh, how precious.  She’s so cute and calm”.  Then the elevator started.  And, so did Dasha.  I looked at the lady, she looked at me and said, “I guess I spoke too soon.”  Ha!  I guess she did.

Now, is this experience some rite of passage that’s supposed to be the end of the world every single time and actually gets worse over time because the child is bigger and can scream and fight more OR is there something I’m missing?  How can these doctor visits be less traumatic for us BOTH?

I suppose this question could be answered by traveling mileage, but that’s not what I mean.  I’m talking about those times when you get on your hands and knees to bark like a dog, just to get a few giggles.  Or when you read the same book fifty times a day, just because your daughter’s face lights up when you read that story to her.  Or maybe you pay someone to come over for your son’s birthday party dressed as Spider Man because that’s his favorite superhero (great idea, Elana).

Well, my daughter absolutely loves Elmo… and if I’m being honest, so do I.  This perpetual 3 1/2 year-old fury “monster” is just too cute.  We make sure we watch him on Sesame Street every weekday morning at 9.

And, that’s why I dragged my family to Joe’s Crabshack tonight.

On the radio (102.1 or 97.9, can’t be sure which one), they’ve been advertising that if you want free tickets to the upcoming Elmo show, go to Joe’s.  If your child colors a picture from Joe’s and you send it in, you may be selected to win free tickets.

I thought this was the coolest thing since “Sesame Street Live:  Elmo’s Green Thumb” will be here, in Houston, at Reliant Stadium, during February.  It’s not that her coloring is all that great (she still prefers the nice white surface of a door to color on).  It’s not even that we stood a high chance of actually winning the tickets.  It was all about participating in a fun family event… and maybe getting free, front row tickets.

We went all the way to Joe’s, only to find out they (Joe’s staff) didn’t have a clue as to what we were talking about.  So, if you’re in Houston and planning to go to Joe’s for this contest, call ahead to make sure they’re participating.  The only redeeming quality of this trip was the apple crisp ice cream dessert we split.

We’ll have to buy the nose-bleed tickets now or wait until next time.  Bummer.

Those of you who’ve been keeping up with the blog are probably thinking she’s too young anyway.  Yes, she’s only fifteen months and probably too young to really appreciate what Elmo’s saying, but that doesn’t mean she likes him any less.  I agree that she’s too young to spend $250 on front row seats though.  Ha!  I’m not that silly… or am I?  She really would enjoy Elmo…

BTW, that Elmo Live doll is a hoot!

This is a video clip of Elmo singing his song.  Isn’t he adorable?  I think he may have to be our guest for my daughter’s birthday.

How far will you go to entertain your child?

Isn’t she a star?  You can’t tell a proud parent her child isn’t.   Just go with me, here…

I posted before about how she dances anytime there is music.   Now, I have proof.  Actually, I have dozens of these videos… cause I just can’t help myself… but, now I have youtube proof.  And, that’s what I like about the website.  It’s a convenient way to share my family updates with others.

“What’s wrong with just emailing the videos?”  I heard you ask it…

Well, a lot.  Yes.  We did email the goings-ons of our household with family and friends for a while, but check it out–I uploaded this video and shared it with the world in a matter of seconds.  It seemed to take forever to upload videos and send those large files, via email.  Youtube simplifies the online video-sharing process.  Yippie!

I honestly didn’t give youtube.com a second thought until Oprah discussed the advantages of using it, the success of the founders, and featured people who became famous overnight from their video exposure.  Oprah (and, ya’ll know I love Oprah) called it the “Youtube craze”.

We’re not looking for fortune or fame, just the opportunity for Dasha to do WHATEVER she loves to do.  And, doesn’t she look like she’s loving it???

Note:  Sorry about all the mess in the background.  We were in the process of moving (about a month ago).  The loud and highly excited VJ is her proud daddy.  Get it Dasha!!!

  Early in 2008, I started feeling disconnected from the world as a work-but-mostly-stay-at-home-mom.  I LOVED (still do) being home with my daughter, but I desperately wanted to interact with people and still feel alive outside my then-new role.

So, I discovered Meetup.com.  It was perfect.  I had the opportunity to meet other mothers and share experiences with them.  As a bonus, my daughter was able to socialize with other babies since she didn’t go to daycare.  We met at parks, the zoo, libraries, the Children’s Museum, and member houses.  We had pot-lucks and pool parties where the mothers talked about bad preggo experiences, how to get Sue to sleep through the night, and how Bob looks just like his daddy.  The babies slobbed on each other’s toys, pulled hair, and stared in amazement at each other.  Good times…

At some point, I stopped going to the playgroups regularly.  This or that came up.  And, before I knew it, six months had passed.

Since I’d been blogging and had this whole new online community to interact with daily, I just let the time creep by.  I was content.  But, then my husband made me feel bad.  He reminded me that the playgroups were more than just an outlet for me, but a social-learning atmosphere for Dasha.

I thought–Yes.  My honey was right.  This would be a great opportunity to get more blogging material reconnect with other moms and babies.  So, guess what–we went back to our playgroup today.

Most of the time, Dasha looked as wild as that lion on “Madagascar” when he was in the jungle.  Clearly, she needs to be around other babies more often.  I’ll have to add this to my weekly calendar of things to do again.

I know some people are leary about meeting people on the internet.  As long as you practice standard safety precautions, it’s really no different than meeting someone on the street…but better.  I have had nothing but great experiences.  If you are looking for others who are similarly situated (workout buddies, lactating moms, single parents, parents of toddlers, carpooling students, persons with disabilities, movie goers, book reviewers, networking entrepreneurs, etc…), try this website.

This is NOT a paid review.  I am writing about this site because it has been instrumental in helping me meet other wonderful mothers and babies for social and business interaction.  I think there may be others who can benefit from visiting this site.

I spent most of the day trying to add the “Grab My Button” function to my blog… and, as you can see, it’s still not there.  Kara, The Frugal Angel-Guided Psychic , wanted to add my widget to her page… and I certainly would like that.  She patiently waited for me to continue to screw it up all day.  Nicole, at Juicy Alligator , tried to help me, but I still couldn’t seem to get it to work.

This is after the fiasco of trying for waaaay too many hours yesterday to get the poll up on my site.  That never worked either.  (Can you say “Loser”?)

I was feeling pretty good though about my walk at the park… the pork chops at dinner turned out well… I stayed under 1200 calories today… our washer and dryer were delivered after my in-laws gave a monetary gift towards the purchase… and then, Dasha decided to do this:

She either thought the green peas were good enough to rub on like lotion or so bad they should be smeared around until they disappeared.

Either way, she definitely had fun at dinner.  The lil’ Picasso decided green peas would be good as hair jam too.

By this point, I just said “Whatever”.  And, then it happened…

I got her bath water ready.  My husband went into the study.  Dasha followed him.  When I went to get her, she had a fit.  So, I said, “Whatever.  I have things to do, like that 2-week old pile of laundry.  You can stay in here until I’m done loading the clothes.”  She seemed content.

I bleached our new-to-us-but-used washer, loaded the clothes, and went to go get Dasha.  As I turned the corner, I saw she was already in the tub, splashing happily.  I thought, “Well, that was nice of Danny to go ahead and give her a…  OMG!!!  Dasha is in the tub by herself!  Where is Danny???”

He was still in the study.  He thought when he heard Dasha splashing around, I was giving her a bath.  Oh, boy.  We both failed miserably tonight.  It was my fault for leaving the “attractive nuisance” and his for assuming she was with me.

I’m so glad this story ends on a good note.  I finished cleaning the oblivious child, thanked God she was ok, told Danny we need a better communication/ vigilance system around here, and put her butt to bed.

I hope to have a better day in technology and parenting tomorrow.  Good night.